Loser
Monday, January 23, 2017 @ 10:49 AM | 0 comment(s)

I know I said in my last (and really old) post that I'll only write again if I've already gotten my shit together and if I talk about good things only. But wow the things one can say when he/she is sad!

I am always sad lately. I feel like there's something missing in my life - maybe a new friend or a new lifestyle or a new place to be in. Most of the time I feel hollow. Incomplete. Empty. Dead. No sense of purpose. Like I'm just passing through every waking day, trying to survive like life is one long ass apocalyptic movie of some sort. Ha, who knows, maybe it is. 

This worries me but sometimes I feel like I don't care already. When I'm hurt I don't do anything about it. My being passive is getting worse, and I hate it because when I'm angry I tend to channel that anger to myself, which then turns to self pity. I cry it off and then hate myself for crying and being so sensitive. I've always been an inclusive person but lately I've kept so many things to myself that I think it's quite normal already. I don't share things to people because I always think that they won't understand; I have this preconceived notion that I'm an outsider, that I know what I'm feeling isn't something new to others but I can't explain myself properly so what's the point? It also doesn't help that people are so tiring. Seriously. Every night I ask myself, 'wow I'm so tired, how many people did I talk to today?' You'd think being in the corporate world would improve my people skills, but it sadly did not. I'm still hesitant to start a conversation, and answering phone calls gives me anxiety. 

Another thing is I don't know what to do with my life. There will be a major change in the department I work in and I don't know what to do - should I stay where it's sure and familiar, or should I take a leap of faith and trudge the unknown? I know you'd urge me to choose the latter but do you know how hard it is to lose a job right now, in this economy? I have bills to pay and I can't afford to do something risky. That is not me: I don't take risks. I calculate. I plan. I know I talk a great deal about stepping outside the comfort zone and carpe diem and whatnot, but that's it - I only talk. I'm a fake. I'm always scared. I'm a sissy.

Maybe I should get a hobby, something artistic where I can pour my energy to. Maybe I should go somewhere alone, to get my bearings and my personal problems sorted out. Maybe I should make a new friend, someone I totally don't know so I could start fresh. Maybe that's what I really need - a fresh start, a clean slate.

 You see, I think I know what to do to make me feel better, but I don't do anything about it because I'm a fucking loser.

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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409