In Between the Wars
POSTED ON: Thursday, October 06, 2011 @ 3:29 PM | 2 comments
It’s silly and stupid.It’s silly and stupid that I’m feeling this way right now – right at this moment when I only have less than a month to go back to school and to start gradually building my hazy future using my currently unexploited brain and whatever I find inside it. It’s silly and stupid that I’m back to feeling guilty and selfish and useless all over again. I’m guilty of not attending school while my friends are apparently working their asses off to pass prelims, midterms and finals. I feel selfish of not going to school because some kids my age and adults in their mid-life are trying their hardest and would give everything up just to attain better education and graduate with a degree. I feel that I’m such a brat and taking everything for granted and letting time slip away every second of everyday. I feel so useless because I’m just plain, damn useless.
I wanted to say these things to a friend of mine who apparently had gone through the same situation, but I decided to just write about it because I think it’s better that I use the medium that I’m much more comfortable with (and okay, because I haven’t been blogging much these days). Maybe I should cease watching current affairs shows about unfortunate families who can’t send their children to school so my level of guilt would stop increasing and this feeling of trepidation and misery would just go away like a smelly fart in the wind. But maybe, just like a smelly fart (oh, for heaven’s sake, I’m seriously comparing this boggling situation to a – of all things – fart!), it would just come back again and again, and I would go back to zero and think that way again. Guilt and egotism would always eerily pop in my face from the dark corner just as how much a normal human being releases bad gas every day. And that’s like several times each day (worse if that normal human being has diarrhea) – several times of disturbing feeling followed by driving one’s fist on the wall or writing a dramatic entry down to the trusted, battered, tear-soken diary. Maybe I could bear it until October ends and eventually start going to school. Maybe this will just pass and become tolerable enough for me to keep my sanity and not try to physically hurt or blame or repeatedly poke myself. Maybe this is just a phase that will soon end. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.
And then there’s the problem with time – how to spend time wisely, how to not stupidly waste it, how to stupendously start the day, how to end it, how to work with it harmoniously. Every passing day for the past five months (excluding the summer holidays) have been just about trying to live through it until it ends and waking up the next day and doing it all over again. Every day, I lie awake on my bed, oblivious to the busy world and busy people outside the comfort of my little room, thinking what I will do this day, what book to start, what book to end, what good show there is on TV, how to make these drastic five months less drastic, how to convince myself that these drastic five months aren’t at all drastic. Sometimes, my everyday life gets tedious and more tedious and more, tada, tedious. My everyday drill is so short it could be scribbled in a candy wrapper and crumpled like a pebble and thrown in the air and poof, gone, gone like a little weak flame blown by the strong, menacing wind – or, said less dramatically, stuck into someone’s nasal passage and that someone will never even notice.
But I’m quite glad that I get this long break from school and stress and acnes and more stress. I’m quite glad that I don’t come home from school really tired and drained out. I’m happy that I get the chance to try simple home activities that I like and read the remaining books in our blue Fine Living plastic trunk (which to say are a lot). I’m ecstatic that I get to catch up with the current headlines and events that are life- and world-changing, and that I’m not left out and could talk about smart things. I’m even more ecstatic that I don’t miss the sensible TV shows that I’m gluing my eyes on. Every week I excitedly wait for The Vampire Diaries to be aired and not miss any second of it, and more excitedly wait for the next week to see the next action-, vampire- and six-packed episode, and try to figure out if: 1) Stefan Salvatore will have the balls to betray the Original Klaus and run back to Mystic Falls and kiss Elena Gilbert like he could eat her alive (maybe he could); 2) Damon Salvatore will have a happy ending with someone who’s worth his undying love, fascinating eye-sex and ripped body; 3) the Forwood (Caroline Forbes and Tyler Lockwood) tandem will really last (not unless Tyler the werewolf will accidentally or purposely bite Caroline the vampire); 4) Jeremy Gilbert will have a colorful career as a ghost whisperer or a creepy psychic; or 5) Klaus is really homosexual and just keeps Stefan around not because the latter is a damn good wingman-slash-ripper but because he’s secretly in love with him. But heck, we’ll never know.
On the more serious side, I’m not sure if everyone who is in the same situation as mine is going through what I’m going through. I’m not sure if they feel the same guilt and the same gratitude that I’m feeling right now, and try to decide which side to consider – the guilt side or the gratitude side. Or maybe they choose the little, peaceful and wonderful space in between both wars. I’m not sure if, like me, they blog about it and let others know how they feel and what they think about their every living day. I’m not sure if, unlike me, they have better everyday plans inside their bags. I’m not sure if they’re ready to go back to the chaotic and diverse world of education, teachers, rowdy schoolmates and devoted studying. I’m not sure if they have already figured things out. I’m not sure if they think that all of these months are worth it. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t. And maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t.
