FMLL
FMLL – acronym,
Fuck My Love Life; originated from FML (
Fuck My Life)
I have the most complicated love life next to the cows and the sheep. Ever since I became newly single (which was three years ago or something), I never had gotten the time and/or the
enthusiasm to date someone other than Patch Cipriano and Will Herondale. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too busy, maybe I don’t give a darn about counting exes, maybe I realized I’m not ready yet. Whatever.
But since I’ve declared that my love life is complicated that even great Mathematicians couldn’t comprehend, I do have some crazy moments within those three years. One of them was my undeniable affection for Great Crush, which ran for almost two years. Yes, the Great Crush phenomenon is now a thing of the past. I can finally avow that I’ve moved on (shit) and don’t like him that much anymore (shittier). After some unfair character analysis executed through social media, I had realized that his personality isn’t what I’m looking for. I don’t like how such a show-off he is, and it’s weird since I’ve been so proud to blog about his humility amidst his mountain-high accomplishments, but lately his Facebook profile has been flooded with nonsensical status updates that kinda annoyed me. He’s too clingy with his online persona that there is what we call a “communication implosion” already. He updates his status every minute, broadcasting what he ate and where he was. I know there’s freedom of speech, but what the hell, his level of freedom is just a toe away from becoming a freedom of
boasting.
I’m sorry, Great Crush (GC), but that’s how you look in my eyes right now. It’s not your responsibility to change my perceptions because that’s my choice, but remember that you’re still awesome. Maybe when I see you again my feelings will come back (and who cares), but until then, just stay awesome.
And so the Crush Throne is now empty…
not.
I have a new crush… and HOLY FUCK THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING I SHOULDN’T LIKE HIM IT’S TOO AWKWARD FOR THE BOTH OF US AND PLEASE SPARE HIM THE SHAME.
Just like my drama with GC during the first months, I’m also confused with my feelings for Weird Crush (yes, I like giving nicknames). I shouldn’t like him because it’s not good to look at, even though he wouldn’t know and others don’t know and the society doesn’t care. I shouldn’t like him because we aren’t even close friends to begin with – I’m not even sure if we’re
actually friends! (We haven’t established that idea yet.) I shouldn’t like him because it’ll look like he’s a rebound from GC, that I’m just using him to forget about the latter. (What the hell, I sound like I just stepped out of
Gossip Girl.) Anyway, I won’t be giving much information about WC because he kinda visits this blog and it’ll be so obvious and everyone will be a genius and guess who he really is.
But I just want to say something about WC. I have no idea how I come to like or admire him. I’ve shared some classes with him but I didn’t feel a single thing. And then there was this school activity that required us to spend more time together (and everyone else), and I guess that was where it began. I’ve always found him smart and creative and witty, but spending time with him opened my eyes to something more. What’s crazy is that I’ve been battling with my attraction for him for quite some time already (because I just
don’t want to like him) but there was this one thing he did that made me lose my fragile defenses. That one gesture tugged at my heartstrings and kept me awake all night. AND IT’S SO SHALLOW SINCE THE GESTURE WAS ORIGINALLY MADE TO ANNOY/MOCK ME, BUT IT WAS JUST SO CUTE THAT THE ANNOYING/MOCKING PART WAS EASILY DISREGARDED. And that’s when this confusion started.
I don’t really know if I like him, and I hope I don’t, because if I do I’ll be too obvious. The people around me aren’t stupid (they’re actually overtly
malicious); they can put two and two together (or not), and when this teeny-shitty feelings for him spread like wildfire, I won’t have a face to show anymore – which will lead me to becoming a hermit or a wrestling superstar. I don’t want to like him because the people around us are kinda judgmental about these things, like it’s a taboo to like a common friend. It’s so sad. But then again, with or without social dilemma, I
cannot like him.
I can take risk in any other field of my freakin’ life, but matters of the heart scare me.
I know it will just hurt.
Happy Valentine’s Day? FMLL. (
The perfect song.)
Photo Blog: 021213 Darling
So I finally saw my darling in the flesh. And guess who my darling is?
Colton Dixon. And yes, I
do have a darling.
After that hurtful epic failure last September, I had redeemed myself and my faith and experienced the glory of the modern day Messenger. I saw – not
met (because meeting actually requires a decent eye-to-eye contact and/or a decent exchange of words) – Colton in person last 12 February for his first ever intimate fans day (I love the word “intimate”). To “meet” him, one had to purchase his debut album and acquire a stub that would give this fan an opportunity to have a photo with him and get the CD signed – which I didn’t do, because my pocket wasn’t prepared for it (what, I needed cash for
Warm Bodies!). Anyway, it was glorious. He’s indeed good-looking and his voice is just… UNF!
(Rant: It would’ve been more glorious had there been a lot of people. The venue wasn’t crowded and half the chairs were empty and by-standers didn’t actually know him. What the hell. I heard someone said something like, “who is he?” and another, “oh, he’s cute”. And I was like, what the heck is wrong with you people? Didn’t they watch
American Idol? If they didn’t, then how come they all know and gaga over Jessica Sanchez? And if they did, how come they didn’t remember Colton and not notice he’s good-looking? But then again, that’s just me being a protective fan; I’m such a fangirl that it took me everything not to punch and strangle the girl who said that Colton is kinda gay. Okay, miss, so you’re kinda judgmental.)
On a positive note, these are the close up shots I took of Colton (I was, like, fifteen diagonal steps away from him, and I wasn’t able to take a lot because I’m not a pro and there were a lot of backs and butts going on):
Just like last September, I missed another rehearsal (
Legally Blonde) for this, but unlike before, this wasn’t a shameful and hurtful epic failure. Lalalalalalalala…
Unquotable
They say life is like a book, wherein the story is about us, which means we are our own writers… or something like that.
But then, books also make a life, and sometimes it’s the words written by authors we’ve never met but wished we’re best friends with that define how we live our lives. Cheesy, but the thing about Books That Changed My Life is a
legit story. There really are books that move us, authors that make the best councilors, and characters that seem like our twin.
This is how books and words and covers changed mine:
“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” ©
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
TPOBAW has always been my first ever, ultimate Life Changer. It has a very simple young adult storyline, but that’s what makes it effective and touché. Everyone can relate to Charlie and his crew’s story (and the humor doesn’t hurt). And the words are just so straight and real and will make you say, “Oh, shit. Yes, that’s true.” The above quote is my favorite. It’s about one’s origin and what to do when it’s shitty everywhere, even at home. I read this during my Bitter Dark Times, and I used to blame my family for what’s been happening to me. I used to deny that it was my wrongdoing that got me into that place, and just pointed my finger to those before me, that it was because of them that my life wasn’t majestic. I was awfully insecure. I felt hopeless every day, believing that I was stuck in that situation and was never moving forward. It was terrible. And then I read these words, and a big, heavy hand slapped me awake. I cannot properly explain these lines to you, but let me give you another quote that’s similar to and simpler than this: “We are where we are, however we got here. What matters is where we go next.” (
Warm Bodies, Isaac Marion)
“Don’t worry about wanting to change; start worrying when you don’t feel like changing anymore.” ©
Five Flavors of Dumb, Anthony John
I’ve always been a believer of the Change is Good mantra. I’m always open to changes and improvements. I’m ready to let go and forget and start with a clean slate and change. A little bit of checking ourselves in the mirror and pointing out what needs altering and doing so is good. We shouldn’t be afraid of changing because that’s part of evolution. We wouldn’t progress if we lock ourselves and sign up for the Resistance Team. It’s not healthy. Change leads to
improvement – even our ever-changing biology and hormones, once we get passed that awkward stage of being lanky and pimply (not that I’ve surpassed that yet), shape us to become the best versions of ourselves. The line “start worrying when you don’t feel like changing anymore” is so true it pierces every inch of my body. Once we get to the point where we feel like there’s nothing worth altering and improving, then that only means we don’t give a fuck anymore. Remember: Change is a friend, just like how Mary Sues are annoying.
“A lot of us are turned on to God, but not too many are finding him in the churches.” ©
The Other Side of Haight, James Fadiman
This statement is kind of controversial, especially for those who have concrete faith, but then again the novel itself
is controversial. This is so contentious that I actually haven’t posted this in any of my social networking accounts, afraid that someone might take it offensively and bash me and my social life will reach its dreadful ending. But if you ask me, I believe this quote is true. Personally, I found God outside the church. Actually I already found God back when I was still young, but then I grew up and ate a lot of bitter candies and I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t go to church for, like, five years. I was practically wasted without religion. And then something happened in my family and I was given time to reflect and I started reading the Bible and, finally, I found Him – again. What’s amazing is the fact that He was there all those times, apparently waiting for me to come back to my senses and hop off the Lost Cause train. It was amazing. Now I’m hearing masses every week and just signed up for our local church’s Media Ministry. I guess God isn’t always lurking in the church: He is everywhere and in everything we do every day. He is inside us, in our hearts, our souls and in our fellow Christians.
“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.” ©
I Am Number Four, Pittacus Lore
IANF is one of the novels which made me realized that even supernatural and out-of-this-world creatures actually talk
sense. Would you believe that an alien from the planet of more aliens could talk about the beauty of hope and hoping? This just goes to show that every story has a moral, no matter what genre shelf it came from. So hope… hope is
everything, I guess. When you think there’s no more hope and your dreams are impossible and you’ll never be healed, that’s the start of your life’s deterioration. Being hopeless is like having a wood pest: you can’t directly feel what it does to you, but gradually you’re crumbling; you’re losing that spark you used to have; you feel like you’re standing on a stage and your audience is throwing tomatoes at you. You’re screwed. Letting go of hope is the last thing a man should do, because there’s no such thing as hopeless. We think that that’s the case because we lack courage and belief. Remember that even in the darkest time, there’ll always be that little flicker of light from the corner of the room – that when given attention and faith – will grow to be the brightest source of light there is.
If that isn’t enough to get you to grabbing that untouched book and enjoying every page of it, I don’t know what else there is to do for you, my friend. Smart words from Charles William Eliot: “Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.” True.
← older / top / newer →
a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
FMLL
FMLL – acronym,
Fuck My Love Life; originated from FML (
Fuck My Life)
I have the most complicated love life next to the cows and the sheep. Ever since I became newly single (which was three years ago or something), I never had gotten the time and/or the
enthusiasm to date someone other than Patch Cipriano and Will Herondale. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too busy, maybe I don’t give a darn about counting exes, maybe I realized I’m not ready yet. Whatever.
But since I’ve declared that my love life is complicated that even great Mathematicians couldn’t comprehend, I do have some crazy moments within those three years. One of them was my undeniable affection for Great Crush, which ran for almost two years. Yes, the Great Crush phenomenon is now a thing of the past. I can finally avow that I’ve moved on (shit) and don’t like him that much anymore (shittier). After some unfair character analysis executed through social media, I had realized that his personality isn’t what I’m looking for. I don’t like how such a show-off he is, and it’s weird since I’ve been so proud to blog about his humility amidst his mountain-high accomplishments, but lately his Facebook profile has been flooded with nonsensical status updates that kinda annoyed me. He’s too clingy with his online persona that there is what we call a “communication implosion” already. He updates his status every minute, broadcasting what he ate and where he was. I know there’s freedom of speech, but what the hell, his level of freedom is just a toe away from becoming a freedom of
boasting.
I’m sorry, Great Crush (GC), but that’s how you look in my eyes right now. It’s not your responsibility to change my perceptions because that’s my choice, but remember that you’re still awesome. Maybe when I see you again my feelings will come back (and who cares), but until then, just stay awesome.
And so the Crush Throne is now empty…
not.
I have a new crush… and HOLY FUCK THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING I SHOULDN’T LIKE HIM IT’S TOO AWKWARD FOR THE BOTH OF US AND PLEASE SPARE HIM THE SHAME.
Just like my drama with GC during the first months, I’m also confused with my feelings for Weird Crush (yes, I like giving nicknames). I shouldn’t like him because it’s not good to look at, even though he wouldn’t know and others don’t know and the society doesn’t care. I shouldn’t like him because we aren’t even close friends to begin with – I’m not even sure if we’re
actually friends! (We haven’t established that idea yet.) I shouldn’t like him because it’ll look like he’s a rebound from GC, that I’m just using him to forget about the latter. (What the hell, I sound like I just stepped out of
Gossip Girl.) Anyway, I won’t be giving much information about WC because he kinda visits this blog and it’ll be so obvious and everyone will be a genius and guess who he really is.
But I just want to say something about WC. I have no idea how I come to like or admire him. I’ve shared some classes with him but I didn’t feel a single thing. And then there was this school activity that required us to spend more time together (and everyone else), and I guess that was where it began. I’ve always found him smart and creative and witty, but spending time with him opened my eyes to something more. What’s crazy is that I’ve been battling with my attraction for him for quite some time already (because I just
don’t want to like him) but there was this one thing he did that made me lose my fragile defenses. That one gesture tugged at my heartstrings and kept me awake all night. AND IT’S SO SHALLOW SINCE THE GESTURE WAS ORIGINALLY MADE TO ANNOY/MOCK ME, BUT IT WAS JUST SO CUTE THAT THE ANNOYING/MOCKING PART WAS EASILY DISREGARDED. And that’s when this confusion started.
I don’t really know if I like him, and I hope I don’t, because if I do I’ll be too obvious. The people around me aren’t stupid (they’re actually overtly
malicious); they can put two and two together (or not), and when this teeny-shitty feelings for him spread like wildfire, I won’t have a face to show anymore – which will lead me to becoming a hermit or a wrestling superstar. I don’t want to like him because the people around us are kinda judgmental about these things, like it’s a taboo to like a common friend. It’s so sad. But then again, with or without social dilemma, I
cannot like him.
I can take risk in any other field of my freakin’ life, but matters of the heart scare me.
I know it will just hurt.
Happy Valentine’s Day? FMLL. (
The perfect song.)
Photo Blog: 021213 Darling
So I finally saw my darling in the flesh. And guess who my darling is?
Colton Dixon. And yes, I
do have a darling.
After that hurtful epic failure last September, I had redeemed myself and my faith and experienced the glory of the modern day Messenger. I saw – not
met (because meeting actually requires a decent eye-to-eye contact and/or a decent exchange of words) – Colton in person last 12 February for his first ever intimate fans day (I love the word “intimate”). To “meet” him, one had to purchase his debut album and acquire a stub that would give this fan an opportunity to have a photo with him and get the CD signed – which I didn’t do, because my pocket wasn’t prepared for it (what, I needed cash for
Warm Bodies!). Anyway, it was glorious. He’s indeed good-looking and his voice is just… UNF!
(Rant: It would’ve been more glorious had there been a lot of people. The venue wasn’t crowded and half the chairs were empty and by-standers didn’t actually know him. What the hell. I heard someone said something like, “who is he?” and another, “oh, he’s cute”. And I was like, what the heck is wrong with you people? Didn’t they watch
American Idol? If they didn’t, then how come they all know and gaga over Jessica Sanchez? And if they did, how come they didn’t remember Colton and not notice he’s good-looking? But then again, that’s just me being a protective fan; I’m such a fangirl that it took me everything not to punch and strangle the girl who said that Colton is kinda gay. Okay, miss, so you’re kinda judgmental.)
On a positive note, these are the close up shots I took of Colton (I was, like, fifteen diagonal steps away from him, and I wasn’t able to take a lot because I’m not a pro and there were a lot of backs and butts going on):
Just like last September, I missed another rehearsal (
Legally Blonde) for this, but unlike before, this wasn’t a shameful and hurtful epic failure. Lalalalalalalala…
Unquotable
They say life is like a book, wherein the story is about us, which means we are our own writers… or something like that.
But then, books also make a life, and sometimes it’s the words written by authors we’ve never met but wished we’re best friends with that define how we live our lives. Cheesy, but the thing about Books That Changed My Life is a
legit story. There really are books that move us, authors that make the best councilors, and characters that seem like our twin.
This is how books and words and covers changed mine:
“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” ©
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
TPOBAW has always been my first ever, ultimate Life Changer. It has a very simple young adult storyline, but that’s what makes it effective and touché. Everyone can relate to Charlie and his crew’s story (and the humor doesn’t hurt). And the words are just so straight and real and will make you say, “Oh, shit. Yes, that’s true.” The above quote is my favorite. It’s about one’s origin and what to do when it’s shitty everywhere, even at home. I read this during my Bitter Dark Times, and I used to blame my family for what’s been happening to me. I used to deny that it was my wrongdoing that got me into that place, and just pointed my finger to those before me, that it was because of them that my life wasn’t majestic. I was awfully insecure. I felt hopeless every day, believing that I was stuck in that situation and was never moving forward. It was terrible. And then I read these words, and a big, heavy hand slapped me awake. I cannot properly explain these lines to you, but let me give you another quote that’s similar to and simpler than this: “We are where we are, however we got here. What matters is where we go next.” (
Warm Bodies, Isaac Marion)
“Don’t worry about wanting to change; start worrying when you don’t feel like changing anymore.” ©
Five Flavors of Dumb, Anthony John
I’ve always been a believer of the Change is Good mantra. I’m always open to changes and improvements. I’m ready to let go and forget and start with a clean slate and change. A little bit of checking ourselves in the mirror and pointing out what needs altering and doing so is good. We shouldn’t be afraid of changing because that’s part of evolution. We wouldn’t progress if we lock ourselves and sign up for the Resistance Team. It’s not healthy. Change leads to
improvement – even our ever-changing biology and hormones, once we get passed that awkward stage of being lanky and pimply (not that I’ve surpassed that yet), shape us to become the best versions of ourselves. The line “start worrying when you don’t feel like changing anymore” is so true it pierces every inch of my body. Once we get to the point where we feel like there’s nothing worth altering and improving, then that only means we don’t give a fuck anymore. Remember: Change is a friend, just like how Mary Sues are annoying.
“A lot of us are turned on to God, but not too many are finding him in the churches.” ©
The Other Side of Haight, James Fadiman
This statement is kind of controversial, especially for those who have concrete faith, but then again the novel itself
is controversial. This is so contentious that I actually haven’t posted this in any of my social networking accounts, afraid that someone might take it offensively and bash me and my social life will reach its dreadful ending. But if you ask me, I believe this quote is true. Personally, I found God outside the church. Actually I already found God back when I was still young, but then I grew up and ate a lot of bitter candies and I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t go to church for, like, five years. I was practically wasted without religion. And then something happened in my family and I was given time to reflect and I started reading the Bible and, finally, I found Him – again. What’s amazing is the fact that He was there all those times, apparently waiting for me to come back to my senses and hop off the Lost Cause train. It was amazing. Now I’m hearing masses every week and just signed up for our local church’s Media Ministry. I guess God isn’t always lurking in the church: He is everywhere and in everything we do every day. He is inside us, in our hearts, our souls and in our fellow Christians.
“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.” ©
I Am Number Four, Pittacus Lore
IANF is one of the novels which made me realized that even supernatural and out-of-this-world creatures actually talk
sense. Would you believe that an alien from the planet of more aliens could talk about the beauty of hope and hoping? This just goes to show that every story has a moral, no matter what genre shelf it came from. So hope… hope is
everything, I guess. When you think there’s no more hope and your dreams are impossible and you’ll never be healed, that’s the start of your life’s deterioration. Being hopeless is like having a wood pest: you can’t directly feel what it does to you, but gradually you’re crumbling; you’re losing that spark you used to have; you feel like you’re standing on a stage and your audience is throwing tomatoes at you. You’re screwed. Letting go of hope is the last thing a man should do, because there’s no such thing as hopeless. We think that that’s the case because we lack courage and belief. Remember that even in the darkest time, there’ll always be that little flicker of light from the corner of the room – that when given attention and faith – will grow to be the brightest source of light there is.
If that isn’t enough to get you to grabbing that untouched book and enjoying every page of it, I don’t know what else there is to do for you, my friend. Smart words from Charles William Eliot: “Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.” True.
← older / top / newer →
a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
