May: In A Nutshell
May has to be the better month of my summer. It wasn’t grand and crazy-fist pumping kind of summer that young people in movies seem to have, but at least once a week, I did something amazing. I got involved (in positive ways) in the midterm elections, the church and – guess what? – epic art projects. My mind and hands were reasonably busy, but as usual, a part of me still wanders to a place where my emotions aren’t barred in (if I could, I’d talk about it next month). Basically, I was half-sane and half-insane because of the thoughts swarming in my brain. But then again, at least it isn’t
rusty anymore.
And the none-rustiness of my brain led me to this: May Nutshell! (What a cue.)
MAY ARCHIVES
Side A, Side B
Even though nobody asked me to, I wrote my take (and experiences) about the goddamn cliché about love and its apparent “romantic evolution”. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Does it? It’s a truly confusing thing, but love is nothing but crazy and odd. Romantically speaking, it says that when you like someone, his/her absence will make this affection grow, that, apparently, missing him/her will prove how much dedicated you are. But what if the absence of the person you adore makes you
sad instead of making your “heart grow fonder”? What if because of this hollowed feeling drives you to seek other’s companionship? So let my Side A, Side B Experience testify – and drive you into an epic puzzlement.
Fangirl Room for the Fangirled
Since I had officially avowed that my world famous fangirl love for Sam Concepcion had seen its better days, the locked up Fangirl Room for the Fangirled has found its keys! Now that it’s wide open (although it has a filter of its own), I have a number of recruits to introduce – like I’m ticking off my freakin’ grocery list. Find out who they are with this post! (The last line is such a shit.)
Photo Blog: PPCRV
For the midterm elections, I had signed myself to be a volunteer of the Parish Pastoral Council for Responsible Voting. The two days of assistance to voters were tiring, but the thought of somehow making small steps to instigate change was enough to keep us all going.
HALLELUIAH CATHARTIC
“Just because your life doesn’t automatically work out the way you want it doesn’t mean you get to give up and expect the rest of the world to work around you. You have to play within the system to win.” ©
The Ghost and the Goth (Stacey Kade)
LOONY DRAGONSLAYER
May reads:
Paper Valentine (Brenna Yovanoff) – 3/5 stars, I loved the suspense factors;
Unwind (Neal Shusterman) – 4/5 stars, equally amazing and gruesome;
The Ghost and the Goth,
Queen of the Dead, and
Body and Soul (Stacey Kade) – 3/5 stars, crappy titles with crappier book covers but have nice stories;
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight (Jennifer E. Smith) – 2/5 stars, annoying female protagonist.
Current read:
Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
EARGASM
FAVORITE PHOTO/GIF
I haven’t been to Tumblr since March and so Favorite GIF isn’t possible. Instead, my favorite photo for May is this: a collection of kids’ photos I took outside our church. For some time, my usual subjects are plants and art materials, but this fateful day (05 May) led me to taking stolen shots of these children. I’m not that good of a photographer (even adding “photographer” in my bio is too
horrid of an idea), but I can always practice. (P.S.: I’m also very fond of lights at night, especially the colored ones. I go nuts over them.)
AND CONFETTI
Me and my second semester grades helped me in acquiring yet another 100% scholarship grant for this year’s first semester! I’m so glad I finished with enough grades to maintain my membership in the school’s Honor’s Society. But that’s not the only thing that’s keeping my endorphins’ torrent: I actually earned 1.25 in two of my major subjects! Although I could’ve done better (I earned 1.0 on the third I took), I’m just so darn relieved that my professor didn’t give me anything lower. Note: she’s one of the professors who gave me one of my first 2.0 (I have two of them so far), so you could only imagine my elation. Thank God.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m so
excited for the school year to start. I’m now the Liberal Arts Society’s appointed President, and I know it’ll be tough for me and for all of my other co-officers, but all these plans in my head is killing me. I’m excited to lead, learn, fail, succeed and raise the flag of our Society. The semester will open on June 5th and I can’t wait – although some more sleep wouldn’t hurt.
Till next month’s Nutshell!
Photo Blog: PPCRV
May 05, 2013 – Parish Pastoral Council for Responsible Voting (PPCRV) Voters’ Assistance Desk, at Sto. Rosario de Pasig Parish
May 13, 2013 – Midterm Elections and PPCRV Voters’ Assistance Desk, at Eusebio High School
Fangirl Room for the Fangirled
It’s surprising how much has changed since I declared (and acknowledged) that
Sam Concepcion has been sent to my Recycle Bin to dwell at the moment, to be restored until further notice. I didn’t actually delete him; I just erased him for the time being. If I wanted to forget him, I would’ve
shift-deleted – no restoring, no control-z whatsoever. To do that I should have adequate reasons, like maybe he changed his personality and became a lunatic on the run, or maybe he deliberately broke my heart just for kicks. But those are impossible to happen (and he can’t break my heart because he doesn’t even know my
name), so shift-deleting him is out of the question. But for now, I’m trying hard enough to lessen my fangirl love for him. It’s for the better. I still like and admire him; I still think he’s a superb performer with amazing outfits and a great man and all that, but the skyrocketing admiration I used to have for him has now descended and touched ground. I don’t bother with frequently checking his Twitter feeds or catching all his performances on TV. It just wasn’t the same anymore.
But I will always be a Samster, maybe not the hormone-flowing Samster with perfect attendance in all of Sam Concepcion’s gigs, but still a Samster nonetheless.
Since my Fangirl Room for the Fangirled is almost empty and has enough space for some new recruits, I’ve noticed I get easily attracted to different celebrities/famous people these days. When I was a rabid Samster, all my attention was for Sam and Sam alone. I didn’t care about others. For me, the most perfect man to fangirl over was only him. Now that I’ve had a change of perspective, the Fangirl Room for the Fangirled is now wide open. If I see a really attractive guy/girl on TV or somewhere else, I’d crawl to the ends of the world to know his/her bio and/or Twitter account, hence, cyber-stalking. And then I’d let it settle for a few days. If I still find myself attracted to him/her, I’d continue with the stalking and maybe download his/her pictures (or songs, if he/she’s a singer) and become creepy in the best way I can.
Some of the recent new recruits I have are the following (this sounds like I’m ticking off my grocery list, doesn’t it?):
Colton Dixon. Oh, you know, that amazing
American Idol finalist who shares the number one spot in my Best Performers to Join
AI list with Adam Lambert? Oh, yes, that’s Colton. I can’t explain to you the extent of my love for him. Let’s just say even though he’s declared to the world how much he loves his girlfriend, the admiration I have for him is unwavering. His being honest about his love life just added points in my fangirl meter (he admitted about it in front of the Messengers on his fan’s day!). Honest, talented and a Jesus freak – what a perfect role model.
Kristen Stewart. I just adore/love Kristen. I still don’t remember her middle name, but I can say that I’m a Krisbian (meaning “I’d go lesbian for KStew”) nonetheless. I started obsessing over her when I saw
The Runaways, and when I learned she has a knack for grungy-type of fashion (whoever her stylist is, she’s my hero). And the fact that she swears a lot but still be stunning and been in a scandal but has risen again don’t actually hurt. She has some tons of haters all over because of her choices and her (apparently) aloof personality (plus the constant poker face), but she gives zero fucks about it – and that’s why I believe she’s amazing. (See
Speak, though: she was incredible.)
Dave Franco. I had always admired the smart and attractive James Franco, but I had to take our age gap into consideration (what?). It was sad that I had to shift-delete him, but then, halleluiah (!!), James apparently has a younger (equally smart, equally sexy) brother! I’ve been hearing a lot about Dave but didn’t give much attention until I saw
21 Jump Street (which is fantastic, BTW). He’s so darn cool I just had to stalk him. So then I saw
Warm Bodies. Now I’ve heard he’s doing a movie with Zac Efron (who’s also making my ovaries cry)… Franco + Efron = Life Complete.
Phoebe Tonkin. Phoebe has to be the sexiest and most stunning witch-turned-werewolf I’ve seen! I first saw her in – what else? –
The Secret Circle. I didn’t notice her right away because I was paying more attention to the show’s settings, but I started to when I learned that her character’s name is Faye Chamberlain (meaning,
hello, my name’s also Faye). And then out of nowhere, she wore lesser and lesser clothing each episode. I have a bit of a pervert fangirl in me, so I got equally fascinated with both her face
and her body. She’s just so beautiful, isn’t she? When
TSC got cancelled, I was more disappointed in the fact that I wouldn’t see her anymore. Maybe my stars were aligned perfectly, but she got an acting gig in no less than my favorite
The Vampire Diaries (where all the actors/actresses are stunning)! And her character hooked up with Joseph Morgan’s; can it get any better than this?
Jamie Campbell-Bower. To be honest, I don’t find Jamie really that attractive for a guy. I mean, he’s British and all, but if you compare him to other Brits (like Jude Law or Andrew Garfield), he doesn’t stand out. But, you know, his acting skills are just so amazing I feel like he’s the most beautiful Brit ever. I saw him already in several movies before, but only took notice when I learned that he’d be playing Jace Wayland’s character in the movie adaptation of
City of Bones. Since then I collected information about him: he was apparently a Volturri vampire in
Breaking Dawn, the one with the ridiculous hair; he was also Bonnie Wright’s (Ginny Weasley) former fiancé. To be honest (again), I had doubts about his casting as Jace (every fangirl has a dream cast), but when I saw the movie trailer, I realized he’s perfect. Now I’m just so excited to see
COB this August.
Teresa Palmer. I never knew who Teresa was until I saw
I Am Number Four. When she blew up Four’s former house, I was like, “What a bad-ass chick!” Her hotness level ties with Phoebe, which isn’t at all surprising since they’re, like, best friends in real life. Why do all beautiful girls huddle together? What is this, high school with the popular girls? And, what, I’m the nerdy, pimply girl who adores them from the corner? Her speaking voice is also unfairly sexy, like she’s giving you orgasm just by her sexy-talk. Just to be clear, I saw
Warm Bodies because of her also (and okay, Nicholas Hoult), where I realized that she has the capability to make the most gruesome activities look sexy – like shooting smelly, eternally shrugging zombies.
Surely this isn’t the end of my Fangirl Room. Actually, I can make this room bigger. I’m the boss, and I can build a Fangirl Mansion for the Fangirled if I want to. I
will because I
can.
Side A, Side B
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
This is a famous line we usually hear in rom-com novels and shows. Sometimes it tells the truth (we go like, “Oh my! That’s legit!”), sometimes it’s just utter bullshit (“Die, you liar!”). Sometimes it serves as a person’s reason/excuse to let someone go or continue holding on. Romantically speaking, it says that when you like someone, his/her absence will make this affection grow, that, apparently, missing him/her will prove how dedicated you are. Absence will test your faith in this current or almost-there relationship.
This is kind of
confusing, if you ask me. Still romantically speaking, what if the absence of the person you adore makes you sad instead of making your “heart grow fonder”? What if this hollowed feeling drives you to seek other’s companionship? Missing someone doesn’t always lead to a deeper yearning and loving: sometimes it leads to just him/her
missing and you feeling incomplete, left and
missed.
But (here we go, everyone) if you consult my experience (which you wouldn’t in a hundred years), it will actually give you two sides of the coin (or mix tape, whatever): the Forgotten and the Yearned For (which will entirely
elevate your confusion). I’ve been into this “I miss you, so what now?” state. Under two different circumstances (i.e. two different guys), this cliché line led me into the massive world of confused one-sided infatuation.
Side A: The Forgotten
This is “I missed you along the way”, and it’s sad. There’s this one guy in my college. We shared several classes in the past semesters. We weren’t very close at first (because I found him really smart and yet distant), but when we had the chance (and the responsibility) to work closely and rigorously together, that was where my undeniably dormant hormones kicked in.
He was Weird Crush –
was.
I liked him for, like, two months only. The fondness stopped a few weeks after the semester ended. I think he’s really outspoken, artistic, a rebel, ridiculously photogenic and all that (and those are awesome qualities a guy should have), but I guess it was just a
rebound in all its aspect– that I chose him to be the subject of my suppressed feelings [for someone I wanted to forget], a
diversion nonetheless. Those were good times. The euphoria I got from seeing and joking around him helped me survive the last stressful weeks of school. I learned a lot from him, and I guess he’s one of the few people whose brains mesmerize me. I’m not sure if the fondness will hop back if I see him again or something, but that’s more of an impossibility since he’s leaving school and transferring to another (a neon sign is now flashing “this is a freaking clue, everyone!”). Maybe I only liked when I saw him in person. The sole thought of him doesn’t trigger my hormones to start their pathetic kicking again.
His absence left nothing but swirling
dust – useless, emotionally-incapable dust… unlike what this other guy annoyingly did.
Side B: The Yearned For
The opposite side of the coin (or mix tape) is the “I miss you each day and it’s both a pleasure and a misery”, and it’s crazy. I first met this guy almost three years ago in my first college, and – screw me – I never had the opportunity to forget that first day. I didn’t share any classes with him in my one-year stay in that school (which, thinking about it now, was a blessing; imagine if I actually get to work with him: I’d be a total klutz). We never became close friends, but I got to know him (through cyber-stalking maybe), enough for me to go gaga over and refuse to forget about him. So does that make this side a little sadder than Side A?
Yes, you got it: this is Great Crush – still
is.
True to his given nickname, he’s the person I never seem to forget (physically and emotionally). He’s the greatest crush I have. I can’t seem to move on from someone I never had. In some days I thought (or forced myself to think) that, finally, halleluiah, I had forgotten about him, that the feelings are diminishing. But one memory of him (triggered by some phenomenon) will open something inside me, like a doorway of a tightly sealed vault, a vault where all the unwelcomed emotions are dwelling. It also feels like an abandoned room: the memory of him acts as the power source that suddenly turns on and lights up the void. (See? Thinking about him actually messes up with my metaphors!) Never moving on from someone I’d been yearning from afar – for three years (goodness!) – is just
ridiculous. Right now I don’t know what to do about this state I’m in. Find another diversion (a guy or an activity), maybe? Just accept this pleasing burden, maybe?
Great Crush left nothing but
everything. His absence left a trail of himself – his laughter, his smile, his eyes, and everything else about him that I’m crazy about – all left in slivers – fragile, emotionally-attached slivers that create palpable ripples when roused.
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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
May: In A Nutshell
May has to be the better month of my summer. It wasn’t grand and crazy-fist pumping kind of summer that young people in movies seem to have, but at least once a week, I did something amazing. I got involved (in positive ways) in the midterm elections, the church and – guess what? – epic art projects. My mind and hands were reasonably busy, but as usual, a part of me still wanders to a place where my emotions aren’t barred in (if I could, I’d talk about it next month). Basically, I was half-sane and half-insane because of the thoughts swarming in my brain. But then again, at least it isn’t
rusty anymore.
And the none-rustiness of my brain led me to this: May Nutshell! (What a cue.)
MAY ARCHIVES
Side A, Side B
Even though nobody asked me to, I wrote my take (and experiences) about the goddamn cliché about love and its apparent “romantic evolution”. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Does it? It’s a truly confusing thing, but love is nothing but crazy and odd. Romantically speaking, it says that when you like someone, his/her absence will make this affection grow, that, apparently, missing him/her will prove how much dedicated you are. But what if the absence of the person you adore makes you
sad instead of making your “heart grow fonder”? What if because of this hollowed feeling drives you to seek other’s companionship? So let my Side A, Side B Experience testify – and drive you into an epic puzzlement.
Fangirl Room for the Fangirled
Since I had officially avowed that my world famous fangirl love for Sam Concepcion had seen its better days, the locked up Fangirl Room for the Fangirled has found its keys! Now that it’s wide open (although it has a filter of its own), I have a number of recruits to introduce – like I’m ticking off my freakin’ grocery list. Find out who they are with this post! (The last line is such a shit.)
Photo Blog: PPCRV
For the midterm elections, I had signed myself to be a volunteer of the Parish Pastoral Council for Responsible Voting. The two days of assistance to voters were tiring, but the thought of somehow making small steps to instigate change was enough to keep us all going.
HALLELUIAH CATHARTIC
“Just because your life doesn’t automatically work out the way you want it doesn’t mean you get to give up and expect the rest of the world to work around you. You have to play within the system to win.” ©
The Ghost and the Goth (Stacey Kade)
LOONY DRAGONSLAYER
May reads:
Paper Valentine (Brenna Yovanoff) – 3/5 stars, I loved the suspense factors;
Unwind (Neal Shusterman) – 4/5 stars, equally amazing and gruesome;
The Ghost and the Goth,
Queen of the Dead, and
Body and Soul (Stacey Kade) – 3/5 stars, crappy titles with crappier book covers but have nice stories;
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight (Jennifer E. Smith) – 2/5 stars, annoying female protagonist.
Current read:
Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
EARGASM
FAVORITE PHOTO/GIF
I haven’t been to Tumblr since March and so Favorite GIF isn’t possible. Instead, my favorite photo for May is this: a collection of kids’ photos I took outside our church. For some time, my usual subjects are plants and art materials, but this fateful day (05 May) led me to taking stolen shots of these children. I’m not that good of a photographer (even adding “photographer” in my bio is too
horrid of an idea), but I can always practice. (P.S.: I’m also very fond of lights at night, especially the colored ones. I go nuts over them.)
AND CONFETTI
Me and my second semester grades helped me in acquiring yet another 100% scholarship grant for this year’s first semester! I’m so glad I finished with enough grades to maintain my membership in the school’s Honor’s Society. But that’s not the only thing that’s keeping my endorphins’ torrent: I actually earned 1.25 in two of my major subjects! Although I could’ve done better (I earned 1.0 on the third I took), I’m just so darn relieved that my professor didn’t give me anything lower. Note: she’s one of the professors who gave me one of my first 2.0 (I have two of them so far), so you could only imagine my elation. Thank God.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m so
excited for the school year to start. I’m now the Liberal Arts Society’s appointed President, and I know it’ll be tough for me and for all of my other co-officers, but all these plans in my head is killing me. I’m excited to lead, learn, fail, succeed and raise the flag of our Society. The semester will open on June 5th and I can’t wait – although some more sleep wouldn’t hurt.
Till next month’s Nutshell!
Photo Blog: PPCRV
May 05, 2013 – Parish Pastoral Council for Responsible Voting (PPCRV) Voters’ Assistance Desk, at Sto. Rosario de Pasig Parish
May 13, 2013 – Midterm Elections and PPCRV Voters’ Assistance Desk, at Eusebio High School
Fangirl Room for the Fangirled
It’s surprising how much has changed since I declared (and acknowledged) that
Sam Concepcion has been sent to my Recycle Bin to dwell at the moment, to be restored until further notice. I didn’t actually delete him; I just erased him for the time being. If I wanted to forget him, I would’ve
shift-deleted – no restoring, no control-z whatsoever. To do that I should have adequate reasons, like maybe he changed his personality and became a lunatic on the run, or maybe he deliberately broke my heart just for kicks. But those are impossible to happen (and he can’t break my heart because he doesn’t even know my
name), so shift-deleting him is out of the question. But for now, I’m trying hard enough to lessen my fangirl love for him. It’s for the better. I still like and admire him; I still think he’s a superb performer with amazing outfits and a great man and all that, but the skyrocketing admiration I used to have for him has now descended and touched ground. I don’t bother with frequently checking his Twitter feeds or catching all his performances on TV. It just wasn’t the same anymore.
But I will always be a Samster, maybe not the hormone-flowing Samster with perfect attendance in all of Sam Concepcion’s gigs, but still a Samster nonetheless.
Since my Fangirl Room for the Fangirled is almost empty and has enough space for some new recruits, I’ve noticed I get easily attracted to different celebrities/famous people these days. When I was a rabid Samster, all my attention was for Sam and Sam alone. I didn’t care about others. For me, the most perfect man to fangirl over was only him. Now that I’ve had a change of perspective, the Fangirl Room for the Fangirled is now wide open. If I see a really attractive guy/girl on TV or somewhere else, I’d crawl to the ends of the world to know his/her bio and/or Twitter account, hence, cyber-stalking. And then I’d let it settle for a few days. If I still find myself attracted to him/her, I’d continue with the stalking and maybe download his/her pictures (or songs, if he/she’s a singer) and become creepy in the best way I can.
Some of the recent new recruits I have are the following (this sounds like I’m ticking off my grocery list, doesn’t it?):
Colton Dixon. Oh, you know, that amazing
American Idol finalist who shares the number one spot in my Best Performers to Join
AI list with Adam Lambert? Oh, yes, that’s Colton. I can’t explain to you the extent of my love for him. Let’s just say even though he’s declared to the world how much he loves his girlfriend, the admiration I have for him is unwavering. His being honest about his love life just added points in my fangirl meter (he admitted about it in front of the Messengers on his fan’s day!). Honest, talented and a Jesus freak – what a perfect role model.
Kristen Stewart. I just adore/love Kristen. I still don’t remember her middle name, but I can say that I’m a Krisbian (meaning “I’d go lesbian for KStew”) nonetheless. I started obsessing over her when I saw
The Runaways, and when I learned she has a knack for grungy-type of fashion (whoever her stylist is, she’s my hero). And the fact that she swears a lot but still be stunning and been in a scandal but has risen again don’t actually hurt. She has some tons of haters all over because of her choices and her (apparently) aloof personality (plus the constant poker face), but she gives zero fucks about it – and that’s why I believe she’s amazing. (See
Speak, though: she was incredible.)
Dave Franco. I had always admired the smart and attractive James Franco, but I had to take our age gap into consideration (what?). It was sad that I had to shift-delete him, but then, halleluiah (!!), James apparently has a younger (equally smart, equally sexy) brother! I’ve been hearing a lot about Dave but didn’t give much attention until I saw
21 Jump Street (which is fantastic, BTW). He’s so darn cool I just had to stalk him. So then I saw
Warm Bodies. Now I’ve heard he’s doing a movie with Zac Efron (who’s also making my ovaries cry)… Franco + Efron = Life Complete.
Phoebe Tonkin. Phoebe has to be the sexiest and most stunning witch-turned-werewolf I’ve seen! I first saw her in – what else? –
The Secret Circle. I didn’t notice her right away because I was paying more attention to the show’s settings, but I started to when I learned that her character’s name is Faye Chamberlain (meaning,
hello, my name’s also Faye). And then out of nowhere, she wore lesser and lesser clothing each episode. I have a bit of a pervert fangirl in me, so I got equally fascinated with both her face
and her body. She’s just so beautiful, isn’t she? When
TSC got cancelled, I was more disappointed in the fact that I wouldn’t see her anymore. Maybe my stars were aligned perfectly, but she got an acting gig in no less than my favorite
The Vampire Diaries (where all the actors/actresses are stunning)! And her character hooked up with Joseph Morgan’s; can it get any better than this?
Jamie Campbell-Bower. To be honest, I don’t find Jamie really that attractive for a guy. I mean, he’s British and all, but if you compare him to other Brits (like Jude Law or Andrew Garfield), he doesn’t stand out. But, you know, his acting skills are just so amazing I feel like he’s the most beautiful Brit ever. I saw him already in several movies before, but only took notice when I learned that he’d be playing Jace Wayland’s character in the movie adaptation of
City of Bones. Since then I collected information about him: he was apparently a Volturri vampire in
Breaking Dawn, the one with the ridiculous hair; he was also Bonnie Wright’s (Ginny Weasley) former fiancé. To be honest (again), I had doubts about his casting as Jace (every fangirl has a dream cast), but when I saw the movie trailer, I realized he’s perfect. Now I’m just so excited to see
COB this August.
Teresa Palmer. I never knew who Teresa was until I saw
I Am Number Four. When she blew up Four’s former house, I was like, “What a bad-ass chick!” Her hotness level ties with Phoebe, which isn’t at all surprising since they’re, like, best friends in real life. Why do all beautiful girls huddle together? What is this, high school with the popular girls? And, what, I’m the nerdy, pimply girl who adores them from the corner? Her speaking voice is also unfairly sexy, like she’s giving you orgasm just by her sexy-talk. Just to be clear, I saw
Warm Bodies because of her also (and okay, Nicholas Hoult), where I realized that she has the capability to make the most gruesome activities look sexy – like shooting smelly, eternally shrugging zombies.
Surely this isn’t the end of my Fangirl Room. Actually, I can make this room bigger. I’m the boss, and I can build a Fangirl Mansion for the Fangirled if I want to. I
will because I
can.
Side A, Side B
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
This is a famous line we usually hear in rom-com novels and shows. Sometimes it tells the truth (we go like, “Oh my! That’s legit!”), sometimes it’s just utter bullshit (“Die, you liar!”). Sometimes it serves as a person’s reason/excuse to let someone go or continue holding on. Romantically speaking, it says that when you like someone, his/her absence will make this affection grow, that, apparently, missing him/her will prove how dedicated you are. Absence will test your faith in this current or almost-there relationship.
This is kind of
confusing, if you ask me. Still romantically speaking, what if the absence of the person you adore makes you sad instead of making your “heart grow fonder”? What if this hollowed feeling drives you to seek other’s companionship? Missing someone doesn’t always lead to a deeper yearning and loving: sometimes it leads to just him/her
missing and you feeling incomplete, left and
missed.
But (here we go, everyone) if you consult my experience (which you wouldn’t in a hundred years), it will actually give you two sides of the coin (or mix tape, whatever): the Forgotten and the Yearned For (which will entirely
elevate your confusion). I’ve been into this “I miss you, so what now?” state. Under two different circumstances (i.e. two different guys), this cliché line led me into the massive world of confused one-sided infatuation.
Side A: The Forgotten
This is “I missed you along the way”, and it’s sad. There’s this one guy in my college. We shared several classes in the past semesters. We weren’t very close at first (because I found him really smart and yet distant), but when we had the chance (and the responsibility) to work closely and rigorously together, that was where my undeniably dormant hormones kicked in.
He was Weird Crush –
was.
I liked him for, like, two months only. The fondness stopped a few weeks after the semester ended. I think he’s really outspoken, artistic, a rebel, ridiculously photogenic and all that (and those are awesome qualities a guy should have), but I guess it was just a
rebound in all its aspect– that I chose him to be the subject of my suppressed feelings [for someone I wanted to forget], a
diversion nonetheless. Those were good times. The euphoria I got from seeing and joking around him helped me survive the last stressful weeks of school. I learned a lot from him, and I guess he’s one of the few people whose brains mesmerize me. I’m not sure if the fondness will hop back if I see him again or something, but that’s more of an impossibility since he’s leaving school and transferring to another (a neon sign is now flashing “this is a freaking clue, everyone!”). Maybe I only liked when I saw him in person. The sole thought of him doesn’t trigger my hormones to start their pathetic kicking again.
His absence left nothing but swirling
dust – useless, emotionally-incapable dust… unlike what this other guy annoyingly did.
Side B: The Yearned For
The opposite side of the coin (or mix tape) is the “I miss you each day and it’s both a pleasure and a misery”, and it’s crazy. I first met this guy almost three years ago in my first college, and – screw me – I never had the opportunity to forget that first day. I didn’t share any classes with him in my one-year stay in that school (which, thinking about it now, was a blessing; imagine if I actually get to work with him: I’d be a total klutz). We never became close friends, but I got to know him (through cyber-stalking maybe), enough for me to go gaga over and refuse to forget about him. So does that make this side a little sadder than Side A?
Yes, you got it: this is Great Crush – still
is.
True to his given nickname, he’s the person I never seem to forget (physically and emotionally). He’s the greatest crush I have. I can’t seem to move on from someone I never had. In some days I thought (or forced myself to think) that, finally, halleluiah, I had forgotten about him, that the feelings are diminishing. But one memory of him (triggered by some phenomenon) will open something inside me, like a doorway of a tightly sealed vault, a vault where all the unwelcomed emotions are dwelling. It also feels like an abandoned room: the memory of him acts as the power source that suddenly turns on and lights up the void. (See? Thinking about him actually messes up with my metaphors!) Never moving on from someone I’d been yearning from afar – for three years (goodness!) – is just
ridiculous. Right now I don’t know what to do about this state I’m in. Find another diversion (a guy or an activity), maybe? Just accept this pleasing burden, maybe?
Great Crush left nothing but
everything. His absence left a trail of himself – his laughter, his smile, his eyes, and everything else about him that I’m crazy about – all left in slivers – fragile, emotionally-attached slivers that create palpable ripples when roused.
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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
