June: In A Nutshell
Another month is over and my favorite (birthday) month is just several hours away. It’s really astounding how time flies so fast. It’s a phenomenon I’d rather not think about or try to understand. June flew by so fast, but ironically, I
felt it. I experienced all the feels every day brought. If you ask me, June was a hard month. It’s the start of the first semester, hence the start of my term as the President. All the responsibilities and some pain-in-the-ass members are difficult to handle, but I’m not backing out. I’m not the type to quit and step off (like I was before). I wouldn’t do that because I believe I can handle it. As I grew up, I learned that quitting is a shit that you’d regret for the rest of your life – well, unless this quitting involves a harmful vice or something. But giving up just because it’s hard and fucking tiring? That’s
stupid in an embarrassing way. Remember: life is hard; life will mess you up. But that’s life.
Moral: if you give up on something that you know you can handle, one day you’d wake up and say to yourself, “Why in the world did I do that?”. And then you’d writhe around dying in disappointment.
JUNE ARCHIVES
Epic Projects
To practice my being a Cool Patron of the Arts (not) and to somehow improve (not) the little photography skills I have, I made some crap (craft) pieces that are both usable and couture (what). I called them
Epic Projects because they can be really 1) epically awesome or 2) epically lame. What, I have zero cash and an endless amount of boredom. What do you expect me to come up with?
Awkward Turtle 2.0
I’m missing Great Crush
a lot that it has become both crazy and pathetic. I miss him in an endearing way. I miss him in a weird way. I miss him in an I-cry-and-smile-when-I-think-about-him way. “I am fucking crazy over you, Great Crush. This feeling is so big I might crumble underneath… Another thing: I might be in love with you. It’s almost there… And what’s scary is that the chances of you catching my descent aren’t promising.” Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially
hopeless.
Cluttered Mind 2.0
Again, ladies and gentlemen, I am now officially very much uninspired that I’ve resorted to blogging Thoughts-in-Bullets crap. This is the result of my hectic school responsibilities (the first
Cluttered Mind was also a product of I-have-other-things-in-my-mind-I’m-sorry-grammar dilemma). If you want to know (as if) what I’m currently obsessing/fangirling over with and the things that give me the feels, check this post out. Seriously.
HALLELUIAH CATHARTIC
I don’t have a favorite quote this month because of something you’d discover in the next section, but I did find a very interesting quote about a book: “Sure, there are trashy books that do really well, but that’s because there are trashy facets of humanity. What people value in their books—and thus what they count as literature—really tells you more about them than it does about the book.” © Brent Weeks
LOONY DRAGONSLAYER
Guess what? I’ve read so much this month people around me think I’m a god… NOT. Sadly, I’ve finished only
one novel. It’s a sad thing.
June read (note the absence of
S):
Lord of the Flies by William Golding – scary and disturbing yet it really does reflect the society.
Current read:
On The Road by Jack Kerouac
EARGASM
- We Can’t Stop – Miley Cyrus (We Can’t Stop, 2013)
- Shape Of Your Love – Colton Dixon (A Messenger, 2013)
- Scars – Colton Dixon (A Messenger, 2013)
- Rise – Colton Dixon (A Messenger, 2013)
- Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (The 20/20 Experience, 2013)
FAVORITE PHOTO/GIF
These gifs are from the “Lightning in a Bottle” lyric video of The Summer Set. I’m just so in love with this song and this band! Every time I hear this I always have the nagging desire to fist pump and dance. I like its message and this video is so fun it hurts. Why can’t I do that? My friends and I don’t have cars (or even gas money), and sparkles are really expensive in our country. And why in the world can’t I be Jess Bowen and have four amazing band mates who I can watch chic-flicks with? Ugh.
AND CONFETTI
There are a lot to celebrate this month (my brother’s birthday, for example), but I choose to feature in this “And Confetti” section the amazing reality that
The Maze Runner movie is really in the works. It stars equally amazing (and gorgeous) actors such as Dylan O’Brien (of
Teen Wolf), Will Poulter (of the latest
Narnia movie) and Thomas Brodie-Sangster (of
Game of Thrones) (!!), and will be released on Valentine’s Day of 2014 (which is weird actually: who will your date be – one of the Grievers?). I love the first two novels of
TMR (I will read the last after I finished
OTR), and the setting of the story is really creepy and the Runner’s lives are such damned, so you can’t imagine how excited I am about seeing it come to life on the big screen. I have no objections about the casting because they’re all beautiful. (And really, who cares if I hate them? I can’t start a protest party in front of the production team, can I?) More fantastic novels will be turned into movies. And so here I am rolling around with my feels.
I know July will be a lot harder than June, but I’ll survive. I’m turning 20 and leaving this teenager complexity, what can’t I handle?
Everything.
Cluttered Mind 2.0
A sequel to the long-forgotten
Cluttered Mind.
Cluttered Mind is like a different version (confusing) of the usual trend of enumerating someone’s thoughts in bullets (or Thoughts-in-Bullets,
duh) that we see in most blogs these days. I have days when I just really can’t compose proper sentences and just fucking forget what correct grammar is. Today is one of those days; today I will put my thoughts in bullets, and hope that it doesn’t happen the other way around.
Current raves/obsession/addiction:
- Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop”. I never thought I would be so in love with Miley. Her Hanna Montana days just didn’t appeal to me. But when that show ended and she got into movies and dated (ugh) Liam Hemsworth and cut her hair too short, I started to give her second looks. She is incredible. I like her style and her unfiltered language. “It’s my mouth I can say what I want to.”
- Dave Franco and all his fucking amazing body and gorgeousness
- Paramore’s “Paramore” album. My power jam is “Anklebiters”.
- The Summer Set’s “Legendary” album. “Lightning in a Bottle” is a staple in my playlist.
- Crossword puzzles I can’t finish
- The pretty fucking perfect cast members of The Maze Runner. They are all making me cry like a diehard fangirl. I just want to roll over and around every time I see their set photos and all. Why is their perfection allowed on Earth? Why?
- Websites: Brain Pickings | Huffington Post | You, Me and Charlie | Photo Donuts
- Followings: @SleepintheGardn | @colesprouse | @brianlogandales | @AdvicetoWriters | @WildestFacts
- The Korean drama entitled Missing You. This is the first time I got really hooked with a Korean show since Boys Over Flower. Darn it.
- Great Crush. Am I not entirely creepy?
Movies my feels and ovaries can’t wait to see:
- Despicable Me 2
- City of Bones
- Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters
- Carrie
- The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
- The Maze Runner
- Divergent
Novels my eyes can’t wait to devour:
- On The Road by Jack Kerouac
- The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
- A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
- Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
- Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Suskind
- 1984 by George Orwell
- Requiem (Delirium trilogy, book 3) by Lauren Oliver
- The Death Cure (The Maze Runner trilogy, book 3) by James Dashner
- Unwholly (Unwind trilogy, book 2) by Neal Shusterman
- Clockwork Princess (The Infernal Devices trilogy, book 3) by Cassandra Clare
Current pinned dictums/quotes:
- “The earth is heavy and opaque without dreams.” © Anaïs Nin
- “The ones you love the most are the ones you can’t have.” As seen from @camronmitchell
- “The best thing one can do when it’s raining is let it rain.” © Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
- “It’s only by stopping movement that you can see where to go.” © Pico Iyer
Current jitters:
- The responsibilities waiting for me as the new Liberal Arts Society President
- The responsibilities waiting for me and my Society as the host of the school’s annual acquaintance party
- The responsibilities waiting for me as a member of our local parish ministries
- The responsibilities waiting for me in school as a whole
- The responsibilities waiting for me when I work for my internship
- The responsibilities… ugh
Series I can’t wait to return:
- The Vampire Diaries
- The Carrie Diaries
- Two Broke Girls
- The X Factor USA
Rumored Spin-offs I wish would really happen:
- The Originals (TVD)
- Ravenswood (Pretty Little Liars)
I do not know how to end this... I will not even bother.
Awkward Turtle 2.0
Great Crush,
Hi.
I miss you a lot. I miss you so much it’s crazy. I miss you so much it’s miserable.
I still can’t get over you. This feels like a first love I’m trying to move on from but can’t. What have you done to me? We’re not even flirting yet, but I feel like I’m going to have a giddy fit and cry at the same time. I see you everywhere – like in a creepy movie. Before I go to sleep, I think of you; when I wake up, I still think of you. I think of you when I go to school, when I eat, when I read, when I write. I’m thinking of you right now.
I see you even in guys. Don’t worry, I’ve been looking at others and appreciating their beauty and all. But in the end, by some pull of a pathetic phenomenon, I remember you and compare. I compare your beauty to them, even your brain. I could have liked them; I could have opened myself and sent “Hey, I’m Available and Can Flirt” signals to them, but
you’re the one I like. You’re the one I want to see and talk to. You’re the one I want to
flirt with, for heaven’s sake.
Songs make me cry, Great Crush, especially songs that remind me of you – which is
a lot, if I may add. I listen to them and then I just fucking cry like a little girl with a broken doll. It’s pathetic in all its levels. I don’t know, maybe sometimes the lyrics don’t really describe you or anything, maybe I had imprinted in my mind that they do. It’s perspective. It has always been.
I could have changed my views and started the excruciating process of forgetting. I could have distracted myself and tried to remove the spectacular image of you in my mind, along with all those silly hearts hovering around you. I could have, and trust me, I did.
I tried. I tainted you, erased you, brushed my brain clean. I was almost successful, but I didn’t make it. I was just lying to myself, running from this problem I couldn’t face. Maybe it was wrong to force myself to forget and deny all these feelings.
Maybe all I can do is accept the glory and the burden, and admit that I can’t get over all of these.
I am fucking crazy over you, Great Crush. This feeling is so big I might crumble underneath; this feeling is so intense I might break. You’re my
great crush, for heaven’s sake. I am crazy over your quirks, your lame attempts at punch lines; your vanity is annoying but it’s cute. I like that you like the music I like; I like that you read and is a nerd. I like you! I once told myself that this is just an unrequited infatuation that I can’t forget because of the pain it’s causing me; that I’m holding on to this pain because that’s all I have (and that I have masochistic tendencies); that, hey, when someone new comes, the pain and memory will ebb. I thought a new guy is the answer. Heck, maybe it
is the answer, but I wasn’t ready yet. And that just makes it
entirely miserable: how will I be ready for a new guy when I find it hard to forget? I’m acting like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Fuck it all.
Another thing: I might be in love with you. It’s almost there. I’m not an expert in this field; I don’t know where the line lies between a crush and a love, but I’m sure I’m just tiptoeing on that line like a daredevil trying to test gravity. I’m just a step away from falling in the vast, complicated world of loving. And what’s scary is that the chances of you catching my descent aren’t promising. Before, I said I wanted to have a “long, peaceful descent”.
Long, I get (heck, this is a
saga already), but
peaceful? Not really. I don’t think so.
I’m hurting, and I’m so pathetic. I’m sorry.
But I weirdly miss you.
I miss you a lot. I hope we meet someday soon.
Epic Projects
To make the last month of my summer less pathetic and lame, I engaged myself in productive activities that weren’t too hard, costly and tiring to do. And so what do you do when you have thousands of endorphins but zero cash? Well of course, you make some arts!
I have always believed that I’m an
artistic – although really
hopeless – person. For years, I’ve been making home-made, D.I.Y.-worthy art projects that I either brag (like right now) or be ashamed of (like most of the time). I have a knack for weird- and bad ass-looking trinkets, so I prefer making something that most people wouldn’t find attractive or cute. I love bloody, gruesome, painfully colorful and visually crazy art pieces. I like artists who are out of the box who wear weird clothes and have nest hair. Maybe that’s why I never won in any art contests back in high school: my preferences just don’t appeal to the masses. And I love it! I feel
special (*insert sarcastic laughter here*).
Anyway, to practice my being a Cool Patron of the Arts (not) and to somehow improve (not) the little photography skills I have (before and after photos are all uploaded on my Facebook account), I made some pieces that are both usable and couture (what). I called them Epic Projects because they can be really 1) epically awesome or 2) epically lame.
Epic Project #1: Improvised Mood Board
I’ve always wanted to have a mood board in my room where I can pin pictures and memos and stuff to remind me that I’m still human, but corkboards are really expensive! Why is that? I mean, I wanted a life-size board, but I can barely afford the smallest one. So thank the heavens this local show, “Etcetera”, featured a D.I.Y. room décor. It’s primarily made of Styrofoam and spare fabric/wrapper. I noticed it can be a corkboard substitute since it’s capable of holding pins and stuff. It’s
my mood board! So I made, like, five of them in different sizes with different personalities (e.g. the vintage, the hippie, the random). I mounted it on my wall and pinned photos, pasted Charles Dickens and Kristen Stewart, and hanged a voodoo-looking doll. It looks cool. When Mom saw them, she was like, “you’re making a museum out of your room”. I’m so proud of my babies.
Epic Project #2: Zipper Bracelet
Confession time: I’m a sucker for bracelets. I wear them everywhere, in any occasion. I wear leather bands, crazy bands, glow-in-the-dark sticks, charm bracelets, thin bangles, friendship bracelets – everyone is invited to my arm party. Recently, the party welcomed a new guest: the Zipper. I saw it a couple of years ago on an online shopping Multiply account. True to my bracelet fetish, I was green with envy. I don’t know why it took me a lifetime to make one myself (I’m scared to shop online). But anyway, I did – and I’m so darn happy I want everyone to notice it. It’s so bad ass, don’t you think? It’s kind of dangerous, though: I can cut my skin or someone else’s if I’m not careful. But still, it’s so bad ass! (My wrist looks
humungous on photos.)
Epic Project #3: Folder Filler Binder
It’s a trend in college to have the coolest filler binder. For a year, I conformed to this trend. I got myself my first filler binder with this funny illustration of a creature walking like a zombie with his brain all spilled out near a computer; it said, “AFB: Away From Brain”. It was cute and interesting, but the way I was using it
wasn’t cute – or interesting. It had gradually lost its wires and parts until it disintegrated. It had truly seen its better days. So to make up for this klutziness of mine, I decided to not waste my money on another filler binder and instead make my own. It’s made of an old folder and is adorned with interesting photos I cut from magazines and travel guides. This is actually my second Folder Filler Binder (my first one deserves an R&R), and I’m proud of it. No one in my college has a filler binder as cool (no) and as distinct (yes) as mine (as far as I know). The customization builds character.
Epic Project #4: I Just Dyed
I dyed just for kicks – and okay, to satiate my need for something that isn’t boring. For some apparent reason, I’ve been keeping dyes in my trunk for centuries. I decided to use it because I was just really
bored. I tie-dyed a spare white fabric in different colors and… well, I did what I can with it. My creative juices must have run out that time because I just stared at the colored fabric
blankly – like what I do with MS Word or a paper when I have writer’s block. After several failed attempts, it ended up as accessories. These things could go wrong with a bad fashion styling. The braided one is too long to become a bracelet so perhaps it’s a necklace? I’m not really sure. If I lose patience I can use it as a method to kill myself. The only one that worked well (and is actually
wearable) was the thick purple-and-pink band. Oh well, when the right opportunity comes, I might find the guts to use the others.
I have other Epic Projects but decided not to write about them anymore since they’re kind of an epic
failure. Now that school has started, I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue making art projects for the time being. Geez, I hope my “cool, bad ass, creative” ego counterpart wouldn’t succumb to the contagious hopelessness boredom and/or stress brings.
← older / top / newer →
a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
June: In A Nutshell
Another month is over and my favorite (birthday) month is just several hours away. It’s really astounding how time flies so fast. It’s a phenomenon I’d rather not think about or try to understand. June flew by so fast, but ironically, I
felt it. I experienced all the feels every day brought. If you ask me, June was a hard month. It’s the start of the first semester, hence the start of my term as the President. All the responsibilities and some pain-in-the-ass members are difficult to handle, but I’m not backing out. I’m not the type to quit and step off (like I was before). I wouldn’t do that because I believe I can handle it. As I grew up, I learned that quitting is a shit that you’d regret for the rest of your life – well, unless this quitting involves a harmful vice or something. But giving up just because it’s hard and fucking tiring? That’s
stupid in an embarrassing way. Remember: life is hard; life will mess you up. But that’s life.
Moral: if you give up on something that you know you can handle, one day you’d wake up and say to yourself, “Why in the world did I do that?”. And then you’d writhe around dying in disappointment.
JUNE ARCHIVES
Epic Projects
To practice my being a Cool Patron of the Arts (not) and to somehow improve (not) the little photography skills I have, I made some crap (craft) pieces that are both usable and couture (what). I called them
Epic Projects because they can be really 1) epically awesome or 2) epically lame. What, I have zero cash and an endless amount of boredom. What do you expect me to come up with?
Awkward Turtle 2.0
I’m missing Great Crush
a lot that it has become both crazy and pathetic. I miss him in an endearing way. I miss him in a weird way. I miss him in an I-cry-and-smile-when-I-think-about-him way. “I am fucking crazy over you, Great Crush. This feeling is so big I might crumble underneath… Another thing: I might be in love with you. It’s almost there… And what’s scary is that the chances of you catching my descent aren’t promising.” Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially
hopeless.
Cluttered Mind 2.0
Again, ladies and gentlemen, I am now officially very much uninspired that I’ve resorted to blogging Thoughts-in-Bullets crap. This is the result of my hectic school responsibilities (the first
Cluttered Mind was also a product of I-have-other-things-in-my-mind-I’m-sorry-grammar dilemma). If you want to know (as if) what I’m currently obsessing/fangirling over with and the things that give me the feels, check this post out. Seriously.
HALLELUIAH CATHARTIC
I don’t have a favorite quote this month because of something you’d discover in the next section, but I did find a very interesting quote about a book: “Sure, there are trashy books that do really well, but that’s because there are trashy facets of humanity. What people value in their books—and thus what they count as literature—really tells you more about them than it does about the book.” © Brent Weeks
LOONY DRAGONSLAYER
Guess what? I’ve read so much this month people around me think I’m a god… NOT. Sadly, I’ve finished only
one novel. It’s a sad thing.
June read (note the absence of
S):
Lord of the Flies by William Golding – scary and disturbing yet it really does reflect the society.
Current read:
On The Road by Jack Kerouac
EARGASM
- We Can’t Stop – Miley Cyrus (We Can’t Stop, 2013)
- Shape Of Your Love – Colton Dixon (A Messenger, 2013)
- Scars – Colton Dixon (A Messenger, 2013)
- Rise – Colton Dixon (A Messenger, 2013)
- Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (The 20/20 Experience, 2013)
FAVORITE PHOTO/GIF
These gifs are from the “Lightning in a Bottle” lyric video of The Summer Set. I’m just so in love with this song and this band! Every time I hear this I always have the nagging desire to fist pump and dance. I like its message and this video is so fun it hurts. Why can’t I do that? My friends and I don’t have cars (or even gas money), and sparkles are really expensive in our country. And why in the world can’t I be Jess Bowen and have four amazing band mates who I can watch chic-flicks with? Ugh.
AND CONFETTI
There are a lot to celebrate this month (my brother’s birthday, for example), but I choose to feature in this “And Confetti” section the amazing reality that
The Maze Runner movie is really in the works. It stars equally amazing (and gorgeous) actors such as Dylan O’Brien (of
Teen Wolf), Will Poulter (of the latest
Narnia movie) and Thomas Brodie-Sangster (of
Game of Thrones) (!!), and will be released on Valentine’s Day of 2014 (which is weird actually: who will your date be – one of the Grievers?). I love the first two novels of
TMR (I will read the last after I finished
OTR), and the setting of the story is really creepy and the Runner’s lives are such damned, so you can’t imagine how excited I am about seeing it come to life on the big screen. I have no objections about the casting because they’re all beautiful. (And really, who cares if I hate them? I can’t start a protest party in front of the production team, can I?) More fantastic novels will be turned into movies. And so here I am rolling around with my feels.
I know July will be a lot harder than June, but I’ll survive. I’m turning 20 and leaving this teenager complexity, what can’t I handle?
Everything.
Cluttered Mind 2.0
A sequel to the long-forgotten
Cluttered Mind.
Cluttered Mind is like a different version (confusing) of the usual trend of enumerating someone’s thoughts in bullets (or Thoughts-in-Bullets,
duh) that we see in most blogs these days. I have days when I just really can’t compose proper sentences and just fucking forget what correct grammar is. Today is one of those days; today I will put my thoughts in bullets, and hope that it doesn’t happen the other way around.
Current raves/obsession/addiction:
- Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop”. I never thought I would be so in love with Miley. Her Hanna Montana days just didn’t appeal to me. But when that show ended and she got into movies and dated (ugh) Liam Hemsworth and cut her hair too short, I started to give her second looks. She is incredible. I like her style and her unfiltered language. “It’s my mouth I can say what I want to.”
- Dave Franco and all his fucking amazing body and gorgeousness
- Paramore’s “Paramore” album. My power jam is “Anklebiters”.
- The Summer Set’s “Legendary” album. “Lightning in a Bottle” is a staple in my playlist.
- Crossword puzzles I can’t finish
- The pretty fucking perfect cast members of The Maze Runner. They are all making me cry like a diehard fangirl. I just want to roll over and around every time I see their set photos and all. Why is their perfection allowed on Earth? Why?
- Websites: Brain Pickings | Huffington Post | You, Me and Charlie | Photo Donuts
- Followings: @SleepintheGardn | @colesprouse | @brianlogandales | @AdvicetoWriters | @WildestFacts
- The Korean drama entitled Missing You. This is the first time I got really hooked with a Korean show since Boys Over Flower. Darn it.
- Great Crush. Am I not entirely creepy?
Movies my feels and ovaries can’t wait to see:
- Despicable Me 2
- City of Bones
- Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters
- Carrie
- The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
- The Maze Runner
- Divergent
Novels my eyes can’t wait to devour:
- On The Road by Jack Kerouac
- The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
- A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
- Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
- Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Suskind
- 1984 by George Orwell
- Requiem (Delirium trilogy, book 3) by Lauren Oliver
- The Death Cure (The Maze Runner trilogy, book 3) by James Dashner
- Unwholly (Unwind trilogy, book 2) by Neal Shusterman
- Clockwork Princess (The Infernal Devices trilogy, book 3) by Cassandra Clare
Current pinned dictums/quotes:
- “The earth is heavy and opaque without dreams.” © Anaïs Nin
- “The ones you love the most are the ones you can’t have.” As seen from @camronmitchell
- “The best thing one can do when it’s raining is let it rain.” © Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
- “It’s only by stopping movement that you can see where to go.” © Pico Iyer
Current jitters:
- The responsibilities waiting for me as the new Liberal Arts Society President
- The responsibilities waiting for me and my Society as the host of the school’s annual acquaintance party
- The responsibilities waiting for me as a member of our local parish ministries
- The responsibilities waiting for me in school as a whole
- The responsibilities waiting for me when I work for my internship
- The responsibilities… ugh
Series I can’t wait to return:
- The Vampire Diaries
- The Carrie Diaries
- Two Broke Girls
- The X Factor USA
Rumored Spin-offs I wish would really happen:
- The Originals (TVD)
- Ravenswood (Pretty Little Liars)
I do not know how to end this... I will not even bother.
Awkward Turtle 2.0
Great Crush,
Hi.
I miss you a lot. I miss you so much it’s crazy. I miss you so much it’s miserable.
I still can’t get over you. This feels like a first love I’m trying to move on from but can’t. What have you done to me? We’re not even flirting yet, but I feel like I’m going to have a giddy fit and cry at the same time. I see you everywhere – like in a creepy movie. Before I go to sleep, I think of you; when I wake up, I still think of you. I think of you when I go to school, when I eat, when I read, when I write. I’m thinking of you right now.
I see you even in guys. Don’t worry, I’ve been looking at others and appreciating their beauty and all. But in the end, by some pull of a pathetic phenomenon, I remember you and compare. I compare your beauty to them, even your brain. I could have liked them; I could have opened myself and sent “Hey, I’m Available and Can Flirt” signals to them, but
you’re the one I like. You’re the one I want to see and talk to. You’re the one I want to
flirt with, for heaven’s sake.
Songs make me cry, Great Crush, especially songs that remind me of you – which is
a lot, if I may add. I listen to them and then I just fucking cry like a little girl with a broken doll. It’s pathetic in all its levels. I don’t know, maybe sometimes the lyrics don’t really describe you or anything, maybe I had imprinted in my mind that they do. It’s perspective. It has always been.
I could have changed my views and started the excruciating process of forgetting. I could have distracted myself and tried to remove the spectacular image of you in my mind, along with all those silly hearts hovering around you. I could have, and trust me, I did.
I tried. I tainted you, erased you, brushed my brain clean. I was almost successful, but I didn’t make it. I was just lying to myself, running from this problem I couldn’t face. Maybe it was wrong to force myself to forget and deny all these feelings.
Maybe all I can do is accept the glory and the burden, and admit that I can’t get over all of these.
I am fucking crazy over you, Great Crush. This feeling is so big I might crumble underneath; this feeling is so intense I might break. You’re my
great crush, for heaven’s sake. I am crazy over your quirks, your lame attempts at punch lines; your vanity is annoying but it’s cute. I like that you like the music I like; I like that you read and is a nerd. I like you! I once told myself that this is just an unrequited infatuation that I can’t forget because of the pain it’s causing me; that I’m holding on to this pain because that’s all I have (and that I have masochistic tendencies); that, hey, when someone new comes, the pain and memory will ebb. I thought a new guy is the answer. Heck, maybe it
is the answer, but I wasn’t ready yet. And that just makes it
entirely miserable: how will I be ready for a new guy when I find it hard to forget? I’m acting like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Fuck it all.
Another thing: I might be in love with you. It’s almost there. I’m not an expert in this field; I don’t know where the line lies between a crush and a love, but I’m sure I’m just tiptoeing on that line like a daredevil trying to test gravity. I’m just a step away from falling in the vast, complicated world of loving. And what’s scary is that the chances of you catching my descent aren’t promising. Before, I said I wanted to have a “long, peaceful descent”.
Long, I get (heck, this is a
saga already), but
peaceful? Not really. I don’t think so.
I’m hurting, and I’m so pathetic. I’m sorry.
But I weirdly miss you.
I miss you a lot. I hope we meet someday soon.
Epic Projects
To make the last month of my summer less pathetic and lame, I engaged myself in productive activities that weren’t too hard, costly and tiring to do. And so what do you do when you have thousands of endorphins but zero cash? Well of course, you make some arts!
I have always believed that I’m an
artistic – although really
hopeless – person. For years, I’ve been making home-made, D.I.Y.-worthy art projects that I either brag (like right now) or be ashamed of (like most of the time). I have a knack for weird- and bad ass-looking trinkets, so I prefer making something that most people wouldn’t find attractive or cute. I love bloody, gruesome, painfully colorful and visually crazy art pieces. I like artists who are out of the box who wear weird clothes and have nest hair. Maybe that’s why I never won in any art contests back in high school: my preferences just don’t appeal to the masses. And I love it! I feel
special (*insert sarcastic laughter here*).
Anyway, to practice my being a Cool Patron of the Arts (not) and to somehow improve (not) the little photography skills I have (before and after photos are all uploaded on my Facebook account), I made some pieces that are both usable and couture (what). I called them Epic Projects because they can be really 1) epically awesome or 2) epically lame.
Epic Project #1: Improvised Mood Board
I’ve always wanted to have a mood board in my room where I can pin pictures and memos and stuff to remind me that I’m still human, but corkboards are really expensive! Why is that? I mean, I wanted a life-size board, but I can barely afford the smallest one. So thank the heavens this local show, “Etcetera”, featured a D.I.Y. room décor. It’s primarily made of Styrofoam and spare fabric/wrapper. I noticed it can be a corkboard substitute since it’s capable of holding pins and stuff. It’s
my mood board! So I made, like, five of them in different sizes with different personalities (e.g. the vintage, the hippie, the random). I mounted it on my wall and pinned photos, pasted Charles Dickens and Kristen Stewart, and hanged a voodoo-looking doll. It looks cool. When Mom saw them, she was like, “you’re making a museum out of your room”. I’m so proud of my babies.
Epic Project #2: Zipper Bracelet
Confession time: I’m a sucker for bracelets. I wear them everywhere, in any occasion. I wear leather bands, crazy bands, glow-in-the-dark sticks, charm bracelets, thin bangles, friendship bracelets – everyone is invited to my arm party. Recently, the party welcomed a new guest: the Zipper. I saw it a couple of years ago on an online shopping Multiply account. True to my bracelet fetish, I was green with envy. I don’t know why it took me a lifetime to make one myself (I’m scared to shop online). But anyway, I did – and I’m so darn happy I want everyone to notice it. It’s so bad ass, don’t you think? It’s kind of dangerous, though: I can cut my skin or someone else’s if I’m not careful. But still, it’s so bad ass! (My wrist looks
humungous on photos.)
Epic Project #3: Folder Filler Binder
It’s a trend in college to have the coolest filler binder. For a year, I conformed to this trend. I got myself my first filler binder with this funny illustration of a creature walking like a zombie with his brain all spilled out near a computer; it said, “AFB: Away From Brain”. It was cute and interesting, but the way I was using it
wasn’t cute – or interesting. It had gradually lost its wires and parts until it disintegrated. It had truly seen its better days. So to make up for this klutziness of mine, I decided to not waste my money on another filler binder and instead make my own. It’s made of an old folder and is adorned with interesting photos I cut from magazines and travel guides. This is actually my second Folder Filler Binder (my first one deserves an R&R), and I’m proud of it. No one in my college has a filler binder as cool (no) and as distinct (yes) as mine (as far as I know). The customization builds character.
Epic Project #4: I Just Dyed
I dyed just for kicks – and okay, to satiate my need for something that isn’t boring. For some apparent reason, I’ve been keeping dyes in my trunk for centuries. I decided to use it because I was just really
bored. I tie-dyed a spare white fabric in different colors and… well, I did what I can with it. My creative juices must have run out that time because I just stared at the colored fabric
blankly – like what I do with MS Word or a paper when I have writer’s block. After several failed attempts, it ended up as accessories. These things could go wrong with a bad fashion styling. The braided one is too long to become a bracelet so perhaps it’s a necklace? I’m not really sure. If I lose patience I can use it as a method to kill myself. The only one that worked well (and is actually
wearable) was the thick purple-and-pink band. Oh well, when the right opportunity comes, I might find the guts to use the others.
I have other Epic Projects but decided not to write about them anymore since they’re kind of an epic
failure. Now that school has started, I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue making art projects for the time being. Geez, I hope my “cool, bad ass, creative” ego counterpart wouldn’t succumb to the contagious hopelessness boredom and/or stress brings.
← older / top / newer →
a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
