Teenage Dirtbag, baby
Sunday, October 10, 2010 @ 7:40 PM | 0 comment(s)

The psychological analysis that teenagers experience an emotional phase is totally true. We all go through different annoying and difficult and threatening stage – like mood swings, temper problems, insecurities, the unhealthy desire for suicide, indecisiveness, heartbreaks – that would somehow teach us lessons and make us more resilient. Though it won’t make us invulnerable, at least we already have an idea about it and the things that should be done to make it through the day. And eventually, these circumstances would help us find our true identity.

And why am I telling these things to you? I don’t know myself. I am always unsure, unsure about everything. Maybe I just wanted to share my own experience with that emotional stage. Or maybe I’m still looking for answers to my questions. Or maybe I still haven’t found the real me.

I’ve always been very vocal about my easily depressed and easily frustrated persona. Maybe it’s part of my life growing up. Maybe I’m not the only one who experiences such burden. Maybe it’s part of who I really am. I always have a lot of maybes. I reckon it’s just the whole me – low self-esteem, frustrated, reserved, depressed, stupid. Stupid. That’s what I was labeled ever since. I was always called stupid, no initiative, lazy, hard headed, good for nothing by a random list of people... and I still am. I’m so used to it I don’t mind them anymore. But still, this is the reason why I always try my hardest to get good, if not high, grades for almost all of my school life. I always want to excel in the field that I’m interested in. I always do things in the best way possible. I always want to make everything perfect, outstanding, number one. I just want that random list of people to regard me as good, or smart, or worth their time. I’m obsessed with making them happy, with making them proud. No, I don’t want too much attention, or over the top praises that sound fake. I just want that one feeling of relief from successfully pleasing them. But I’m fucking tired of doing this crap...

I’m starting to do things the opposite way. I’m starting to either answer back or give the cold shoulder to the person who is trying to reprimand or is totally annoying me. I’m starting to be rebellious and stubborn. I’m starting to be the person that they’ve labeled before – stupid, no initiative, lazy, hard headed, good for nothing. I’m giving them their chance to prove that they’re right, that I am nothing. Perhaps all of those efforts of trying to be perfect had gone to an end, useless. I’m just so fed up with doing the right things. I want to experience things that are out of the box, beyond my comfort zone, things that are not me. Just to make me whole and stronger again. I just want to really find myself, without regrets, without trying to please everyone.

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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409