Wretched, I am
Wednesday, May 11, 2011 @ 10:23 AM | 0 comment(s)

Dear You,

I miss you.

I haven’t seen you for a while. I haven’t gotten in touch with you except for the help of a powered processor called the computer and the wide range of the famous internet. But still, I am not satisfied with “virtual touch.” It is limited – time, characters, use of words, personal touch, feelings – in all ways, and I won’t be able to say what I want you to know. And you probably won’t believe if you only read them on your radiation-emitting screen. Trust me, some words are better said in person.

Like how much I miss you – and it’s so bad.


And that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for everything. Oh, wait. I hope you won’t perceive this as a “Back to December” type. It’s not about relationships or regrets or wishing-to-turn-back-time-and-making-it-all-right. I just want to let you know that I’m not proud of what I’ve been doing to you, of how I’ve been treating you. You probably don’t notice; you probably wouldn’t understand. But I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry that I’ve been so hard to deal with. I’m sorry for being so selfish and self-centered. I’m sorry for just thinking about myself and what is good for me and not considering your own thoughts and feelings. I’m sorry that I forgot that you’re also human just like me – someone who gets hurt and has his own problems to deal with, too. I’m sorry that I’ve been bugging you every time I need help. I’m sorry that you’re the first and only person whom I can run into when I feel all shitty and fucked up. I’m sorry for making your shoulder the wettest ever because of my tears. I’m sorry for making your arms painfully numb for holding me for too long until I stop sobbing like a kid. I know that you have had enough of my problems, and that they’re getting into your nerves already. I’m sorry for not stopping even though I’m very aware of your annoyance and exhaustion. I’m sorry that I took you for granted.

I’m sorry for over-using you as a friend. I’m sorry for disturbing you when I’m so bored, and I have no one to talk to. I’m sorry for not thinking over first if you’re busy and not available. I’m sorry for thinking that you’re always there for me. I’m sorry for thinking that you cannot say no to me and my petty needs. I’m sorry for not reciprocating what you’re doing for me. I’m sorry for not helping you like what you do to me. You’re always the giver, and I’m always the receiver. And it hasn’t changed since.

I’m sorry for not thanking you every time you comfort and help me. You know I’m not so good with showing gratitude. I’m sorry for just walking in with my heavy shoulders and walking out with a light heart without appreciating your company and not treating you ice cream. I’m sorry for being insensitive and abusive. And not doing anything about it.

I’m very sorry. I don’t know how to say it in any other way. I’m just so sorry.

And thank you for everything.

And I miss you.

Always,
I

← older / top / newer →
a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409