The Rise of the Freak Show
Thursday, April 19, 2012 @ 3:57 PM | 0 comment(s)

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE MY FCC, DO NOT READ THIS.

18 April 2012, 8:19 p.m.


Idiot, weird, freak – these are the words that can perfectly describe me right now. These are also the words that are probably swarming inside his head right now. What’s happening with her? God, she’s so weird.

I can say that I regret everything, regret everything I’ve done and acted in front of the epitome of a wonderful guy that is my First College Crush (FCC). Yes, my sweethearts, I finally saw him again. It was glorious, that moment, except that he saw me, too. That wasn’t part of my plan – everything wasn’t part of my plan. All I wanted in that moment was to see him, stare at him from a distance, and fantasize (what is this word?) him without his knowledge about it. But, goddamn it, he saw me. I didn’t want that. No, never.

But maybe I did.

It was one of the moments when I can’t trust myself to act properly. It was the same feeling I have every time I see Sam Concepcion in person: wobbly knees, nausea, pounding heart, illiteracy, freaking out. Freaking out. What the hell just happened? Well, I just freaked out. No big deal, eh? Well, it just ruined my life.

I’ve already played and replayed in my head everything that might happen and what I shall do/act when those things happen the moment I see him again. It was like a mental checklist: 1) keep calm; 2) don’t smile too big; 3) continue on with my business (i.e. walking with my head down) and don’t stop and talk to him unless he calls me himself; 4) when he does, continue walking but take it slowly and try to talk to him; 5) don’t choke on my words; 6) try my hardest to not show him that I’m so happy and that I like him; 7) don’t act so high school-ish; and 8) always keep calm. It’s a long list, but tada, I managed to check none of it. None. All the imaginations and planning turned to dust and I forgot not to trust myself with this kind of situation. That moment was the perfect example of an epic fail.


I met with Diana Agulto and Scarlet Castillo earlier today to hang out and give my social life a chance to prosper. Everything happened in my old college, Treston International (Global City Taguig). It took me everything not to go running back to the nearby mall and just hang out in one of its corners until my friends’ business with the school finishes. I didn’t know why, but I was so freakin’ scared of visiting the school that I left because of my inconsistent decisions regarding my academic life. Maybe I didn’t want to be the center of my block mates’ attention for once. Maybe I didn’t want to be interrogated with questions about how my life is going and I’d always say, “It’s good, I’m fine” even though that’s rarely the case, or who my boyfriend is and I’d always answer that Sam and I are going strong (they wouldn’t believe me anyway). Whatever the reason was, all I was thinking at that moment was: I didn’t want them to see me but I want to see them, because I feel so ugly and stressed and that I’m not in my best state.

But, what the hell, no guts, no glory. No guts, no freak show.

True to my selfish nature, all I wanted was to hang out in the lobby, tweet about anything away, wait until everyone was out, and look at them (without them looking at me back). These things never happened. It was the total opposite.

I ended up getting “It’s Faye!” from everyone I know, hugs and how are you’s (plus Allen noting that I’m fat). It was uncomfortable. But there were some things that made everything more uncomfortable. And yes, it was FCC’s fault. Or mine.


I wasn’t looking where he was standing when I met my old block mates. I wasn’t aware that he was there. I wasn’t aware that the guy I wanted to stare at so bad was just behind me. Diana was the one who told me about it. I didn’t believe her for a millisecond so I looked for him myself. I didn’t need to look at him completely to know that it was him. It took only a mere glance (thanks to my glasses) to convince myself that he was there, behind me, just a few steps away. First thing that came out of my mouth was a classy curse. After that, I did what I always did when I see my crush when I was in high school: I turned and walked away as fast as I can to nowhere. I ended up just standing behind the railings. I didn’t get that far because he already saw me.

fcc: Si Faye ba ‘yon? (Is that Faye?)
And it was the best and the worst thing ever: him saying my name out loud with a hint of surprise (and happiness, I hope) in his voice, and him noticing me in my worst state.

He walked in my direction and stood beside me (like, OMG, our arms almost touching!). Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It took me everything not to fling myself on the opposite side of the railings and jump and kill myself. Everything went so badly. I started covering my face (which was already burning) and biting my tongue (which hurt) and gnawing my thumb (which was a mannerism) and not looking at him (which was really hard, especially if he was also looking at you).

fcc: Faye!
me: … Oh, my God.
fcc: Anyenyenye.
me: Pfft. Oh, my God.
fcc: Uy, okay ka lang? Ba’t di ka nagsasalita? (Are you okay? Why aren’t you saying anything?)
me: … (but inside, I was laughing my ass off)
I was a wreck. God, I like him. He said things to me that were all now blurry in my head. One of the stupidest things I did: I moved my hips to his side to – I don’t know – say hello? Move him away? Just another freak impulse? Then, another thing happened that just made a mess and ruined my chance of having a meaningful friendship with him.

I ran away.

Well, not really ran away. I just walked faster on the opposite direction and jumped (small nervous jumps) like crazy. This was a freakin’ epic fail. I want to die just thinking about it. I almost thrashed around and beat him (he followed me, shit) to death. He asked me what’s wrong (this was sweet, shit), but then said that I was playing my snob card on him again (this wasn’t true, shit). God, I must really like him. I have these habits of fixing (or messing with) my hair and/or rubbing my eyes till they hurt every time I get nervous, and these habits happened.

me: (removing my glasses and rubbing my eyes) I’m so scared.
fcc: Why?
me: I don’t know. (Yes guys, we talked in English. We’re cool like that.)
And I didn’t know, really. It was funny how everything went from simple to crazy to crazier and to an “I don’t know”. But it wasn’t that bad... or maybe it was. After my little drama, I picked myself up again and talked to my block mates and gave FCC a fist pump. The fist pump was also funny. When I made the gesture, it looked like he didn’t know what to do for a second. He looked at me and at my hand and eventually met it with his own. It was weird. And my moment with him ended that way.


I regret everything I did in front of him. There was a part of it that was me (the nervous mannerisms and my “I’m so scared” and “I don’t know”), but majority of my actions was carried out by my freak alter ego that only surfaces when faced with socially awkward circumstances. I would undo everything if given the chance. I just wasted my chance and little time with him. Now, thinking about it, I have mixed emotions: I want to scream from happiness and also scream from my absurdity. This particular memory will be stored neither in my good nor my bad memory storage; hovering between both the categories, barely good, barely bad.

I waited twelve months to see my FCC again, and when the time finally came, I spent my whole minutes with him acting all childish and only uttering senseless words like “I’m so scared” and “I don’t know”. I saw him again, and like the freak that I am, I ran away... and gave him a fist pump. God, I’m so cool.


PS: I feel like princess-fainting while writing this down.

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