Fading Fangirl
This is the latest photo (intended to be blurred) I have with Sam Concepcion, taken last October 17, 2010, during his 18th birthday bash. And that was more than two years and four months.
If today is 2011 and you ask me if I miss him… yes, I really do (with tears). If today is 2012 and you ask me if I want to see him… yes, I do (with an ache). Today, 2013, if you ask me if I’m bawling my eyes out because I haven’t seen him for centuries… no, I’m not. Honestly, I’m not at all upset about it. My eyes are dry and my pulse is normal.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or what seemed to escape from me as time passed, but I’m not the same fangirl I used to be. I used to join Sam’s text clan and be happily updated about his schedule like the stalker I was. If I could, I came to his mall shows and yearned for him like the scary lover I was. I watched all his shows and go all depressed every time I missed one like the addict I was. But now, I just don’t care. I don’t bother burrowing my nose in his life and be defensive when his detractors pour shit on him. Not that I don’t like/love/admire him anymore, it’s just that (1) I’m currently very busy that the interests that make my heart happy are left alone in the dark corner. I just don’t have the time to go googly-eyes over him. I don’t have time to
read, so how can I have time for executing my fangirl superpowers?
(2) My
taste (taste – what the hell) for guys is ever-changing. This month I like Colton Dixon, the next I like Austin Butler, the next I like a band, etc. I have too many celebrity crushes that their names wouldn’t fit in one, oversized notebook. What’s weird is that, because the names are piling higher and higher, I can’t remember who I do and don’t like. I mean, when this month I like Hot Celebrity A, and after a few weeks of gushing over him, I find Hot Celebrity B and forget about Hot Celebrity A. A few months later, I come across Hot Celebrity A again and experience this weird recollection saying I used to gaga over him, like “It rings a bell!” Either I get all disgusted at myself or I like him all over again. I am such a flirt! My Hot Celebrities are treated like files in my computer: I can always restore them from the trusty Recycle Bin, unless I shift-deleted them. I am such a bitch!
And another thing: (3) I think I’m losing my fangirl powers because I’m starting to have real crushes (meaning guys who I can talk to personally). When I didn’t have crushes before, I used to torment Sam with my ridiculous daydreaming that every fangirl in the world guiltily does. I wanted to date him, and I wanted him to want to date me. These are truly scary thoughts, but since I get real butterflies from real guys already, daydreaming about Sam feels like betrayal against my crush/es. A glowing neon sign always pops up and heatedly flashes the words “infidelity, infidelity!” straight to my face. So nope, I’m sorry, Sam. (This is embarrassing, no?)
This is not something I’m proud of, but I also think that I’m losing my feelings for Sam because (4) he’s starting to date famous girls already. Before, when his dating Coleen Garcia was just a rumor, it was okay with us. They didn’t admit it anyway, but of course, we all have this “fan radar” – we know if they truly dated or not (and I believe they did; they were once teased about it). So the Sam-Coleen rumor was okay. But then he
really started dating and actually admitted it! Now, his girl’s name is Jasmine Curtis-Smith. We’re just not sure if they are already an item or if he’s still courting her (fan radar says the former). I don’t know why, but it
hurts. It’s so freakin’ ridiculous. What hurts more is the fact that I cannot hate Jasmine because she’s so sweet, and we once had this exchange of tweets about John Green’s
Looking for Alaska, and I really like her! So I guess I will just hate myself for absurdly being hurt. And okay, I admit: I am now officially
fanzoned. Meh.
Aah, Sam Concepcion, do not be melancholic. I still love you. You will forever be my first Hot Celebrity Super Crush. I just believe we need some time away from each other. Look at this as a cooling off phase for the both of us. It will be for the best, and anyway, don’t fret: I won’t shift-delete you. You will always have a place in my Local Disk memory. (What the hell is this?!)
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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
Fading Fangirl
This is the latest photo (intended to be blurred) I have with Sam Concepcion, taken last October 17, 2010, during his 18th birthday bash. And that was more than two years and four months.
If today is 2011 and you ask me if I miss him… yes, I really do (with tears). If today is 2012 and you ask me if I want to see him… yes, I do (with an ache). Today, 2013, if you ask me if I’m bawling my eyes out because I haven’t seen him for centuries… no, I’m not. Honestly, I’m not at all upset about it. My eyes are dry and my pulse is normal.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or what seemed to escape from me as time passed, but I’m not the same fangirl I used to be. I used to join Sam’s text clan and be happily updated about his schedule like the stalker I was. If I could, I came to his mall shows and yearned for him like the scary lover I was. I watched all his shows and go all depressed every time I missed one like the addict I was. But now, I just don’t care. I don’t bother burrowing my nose in his life and be defensive when his detractors pour shit on him. Not that I don’t like/love/admire him anymore, it’s just that (1) I’m currently very busy that the interests that make my heart happy are left alone in the dark corner. I just don’t have the time to go googly-eyes over him. I don’t have time to
read, so how can I have time for executing my fangirl superpowers?
(2) My
taste (taste – what the hell) for guys is ever-changing. This month I like Colton Dixon, the next I like Austin Butler, the next I like a band, etc. I have too many celebrity crushes that their names wouldn’t fit in one, oversized notebook. What’s weird is that, because the names are piling higher and higher, I can’t remember who I do and don’t like. I mean, when this month I like Hot Celebrity A, and after a few weeks of gushing over him, I find Hot Celebrity B and forget about Hot Celebrity A. A few months later, I come across Hot Celebrity A again and experience this weird recollection saying I used to gaga over him, like “It rings a bell!” Either I get all disgusted at myself or I like him all over again. I am such a flirt! My Hot Celebrities are treated like files in my computer: I can always restore them from the trusty Recycle Bin, unless I shift-deleted them. I am such a bitch!
And another thing: (3) I think I’m losing my fangirl powers because I’m starting to have real crushes (meaning guys who I can talk to personally). When I didn’t have crushes before, I used to torment Sam with my ridiculous daydreaming that every fangirl in the world guiltily does. I wanted to date him, and I wanted him to want to date me. These are truly scary thoughts, but since I get real butterflies from real guys already, daydreaming about Sam feels like betrayal against my crush/es. A glowing neon sign always pops up and heatedly flashes the words “infidelity, infidelity!” straight to my face. So nope, I’m sorry, Sam. (This is embarrassing, no?)
This is not something I’m proud of, but I also think that I’m losing my feelings for Sam because (4) he’s starting to date famous girls already. Before, when his dating Coleen Garcia was just a rumor, it was okay with us. They didn’t admit it anyway, but of course, we all have this “fan radar” – we know if they truly dated or not (and I believe they did; they were once teased about it). So the Sam-Coleen rumor was okay. But then he
really started dating and actually admitted it! Now, his girl’s name is Jasmine Curtis-Smith. We’re just not sure if they are already an item or if he’s still courting her (fan radar says the former). I don’t know why, but it
hurts. It’s so freakin’ ridiculous. What hurts more is the fact that I cannot hate Jasmine because she’s so sweet, and we once had this exchange of tweets about John Green’s
Looking for Alaska, and I really like her! So I guess I will just hate myself for absurdly being hurt. And okay, I admit: I am now officially
fanzoned. Meh.
Aah, Sam Concepcion, do not be melancholic. I still love you. You will forever be my first Hot Celebrity Super Crush. I just believe we need some time away from each other. Look at this as a cooling off phase for the both of us. It will be for the best, and anyway, don’t fret: I won’t shift-delete you. You will always have a place in my Local Disk memory. (What the hell is this?!)
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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409
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Already several months had passed, and I am missing
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry more and more each fleeting day. There are just some things in life that we can never forget – especially that something that had given us knowledge, skills, strong relationships and a second home. I am glad that everything in the magical world is now at peace, since Voldemort (yes, I can now say his name; no need to be afraid) had died. I had secretly admired Tom Marvolo Riddle (Voldemort’s birth name) though, because of his intelligence, passion and love for magic. Wasn’t he very clever to think of and conjure his seven
Horcruxes to preserve his life, or form a clan of
Death Eaters who were very loyal to him and would give up their lives just for him to succeed? Not everybody can acquire that much loyalty from people these days. I do not, however, admire him for the way he had carried out all of his plans. He had a good agenda, his means just weren’t morally right. But he still is one of the darkest wizards of all time… and let’s leave it that way.
Oh, for all those who are baffled of what I’m saying here and who the heck I am, my name is
Christine Faye Ordas, and I am an alumnus of Hogwarts. I came from the bronze-and-blue-clad house of the smart ass witch Rowena Ravenclaw and her dictum
“Wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure.” And yes, I know the wonderful Luna Lovegood (she’s such a darling) and Harry Potter’s first crush Cho Chang. I had just left Hogwarts last May. Right now I am trying to pursue a career in magical researches, literature and writing. It’s my dream to inscribe intellectual books, publish and sell them in
Flourish and Blotts for the future Hogwarts students’ use. I am also planning to credibly write for the
Daily Prophet, the magical world’s primary news bulletin. And of course, I will be very much honored to contribute to Mr. Xenophilius Lovegood’s
Quibbler (hence, my interest in magical researches). I have always found the Lovegoods a fascinating family, and I bet working with and for them will be very exciting. Or maybe, in Merlin’s beard’s time, I can write legends and bedtime stories like the famous – and wickedly brilliant – Beedle the Bard.
And that’s how my life goes these days. I am utterly missing my old school, my friends, the Great Hall, the bronze eagle knocker just outside the Ravenclaw common room, Professor Flitwick (the head of our house), Hogsmeade, the Quidditch matches (although I didn’t actually play for the house), the moving portraits, the castle ghosts, the pumpkins on Halloween, the giant pine trees on Christmas, Rubeus Hagrid’s (Hogwarts’ gamekeeper) tea and treacle fudge – even the crabby Argus Filch (Hogwarts’ caretaker) I miss. Maybe I can visit the school grounds sometimes and see how the magical world’s been doing since Voldemort died (I’ve been spending my months in the muggle world, you see). I’ve heard everybody’s been moving on and starting all over again; the ministry is back on work under Kingsley Shacklebolt; and Harry Potter’s scar haven’t been disturbing him since.
All is well, indeed.
And because of that, we should celebrate and drink firewhisky! Oh, I still don’t drink firewhisky; I can take butterbeer or tea or pumpkin juice – just not firewhisky, please.
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