The F Word
Thursday, September 05, 2013 @ 1:23 PM | 0 comment(s)

“Back then I didn’t know that hurt was a beginning, always, and that forgiveness was a quiet guest that did not announce its arrival but stayed until you were ready to make room on the couch, set a place at the table, bring out warmer blankets and nicer sheets, the ones you’d been saving for ‘a special occasion.’ I didn’t know that the things that were large and loud and heavy then would someday fit into my pocket, or be small enough to stow under the bed, like an old pair of shoes that no longer fit.”
© Marla Miniano

People born under the Cancer sign are supposed to be forgiving but never forgetting. I am a moon kid. I am born under the Cancer sign. And yes, the cliché “Forgive but don’t forget” works with me so much it’s already unhealthy. I don’t know why but I can’t seem to forget unfortunate things in my life.

I can easily forgive. If shits come falling from the sky, tarnishing our friendship or relationship, give me a few days and all the shits have been taken cared of already. The road has been cleaned, whatever happened was history. But then, just like history, it’s already written and undying. I may forget details from the past, but I remember bits of it nonetheless. The road has been wiped clean from its shits, but it’s already imprinted in my mind that this road has been tainted – I can still smell the stink it has left in its wake; its dirt is still in the darkest corner that will never discover itself unless provoked. The memories are sleeping but can always be stirred in its lair. The offense has been forgiven but never forgotten.

I know it’s a bad habit but I can’t unclasp myself from it. I can never forget. This thing works just like that “trust is like a mirror” thing I’ve heard in a pop song: trust is fragile, trust is sensitive, trust is irreparable. Since this is my prerogative, I’ve learned to assume that it’s also everyone’s – that the people I offended with my weirdness and foul mouth also can’t forget. This makes things between us awkward. But it’s easier that way. At least we both know that even though we may have forgiven each other, there’s still that past haunting us. It’s weird, but I guess everyone can never forget. “You’ll just laugh at it when you become older” – does that sound familiar? That’s one indication that we all can’t fail to remember. How can you laugh at the past when you’ve already forgotten about it, right? So I guess Cancer baby or not, all of us are carefully tiptoeing our way on that shit-tainted road, with hazmat suit and sharp eyes and all safety precautions.

I have learned that forgiving is a never-ending process. We may have verbally forgiven this person, but the pain it has left us is still living inside of us. If left unnoticed, it can light up our whole body like bad and dark Christmas lights. The bravest people are the ones who can accept their fears; the strongest people are the ones who can own up to their weaknesses; the freest people are the ones who can acknowledge their pain. We can never heal if we don’t admit in ourselves that we are hurt and that are capable of being hurt once more. We can never make peace with others if we deny that we’re also to blame. We should own up to our faults, because this battle of spitting fire will never end if all we do is point fingers to each other. Once we’ve come into terms with our own mistakes and open ourselves to forgiveness, the burden we’ve been carrying on our shoulders like we’re the freaking Greek Atlas will fall into its proper places and not become flying shits on the road.

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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409