Sad Heart
Sunday, September 07, 2014 @ 11:44 AM | 0 comment(s)

On the 15th day of August, I was struck by a depressing feeling, and so I wrote about it in my ratty notebook. I am sharing excerpts from what I wrote so I won’t forget and so that you’d think I’m a lunatic.


I like taking care of others, but sometimes I just want to be the one taken care of. I just want people to see me and not think that they can use me for something that would benefit them. I want them to see me and realize that I need something; that I am broken and fragile despite my tough exterior; that I am not always strong; that I need fixing, too; that most of the time I fall and I need them to catch me; that I just need a hug and someone sensible to talk to.

Once – okay, most of the time – I think I’m depressed, but I’ve read several stories about psychological problems and I realized my reasons are too shallow to lead to depression. Maybe sad is more appropriate. I am sad, so fucking sad.

I have it in my head that when we’re born, God writes things down on our hearts. See, on some people’s hearts he writes happy and on some people’s hearts he writes sad and on some people’s hearts he writes crazy and on some people’s hearts he writes genius and on some people’s hearts he writes angry and on some people’s hearts he writes winner and on some people’s hearts he writes loser.
Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Last Night I Sang to the Monster

God wrote sad and weird and complicated and broken on my heart. My life is a routine. I am boring. I always play that 2048 tile game like my life depends on it. I always sleep. I always plug my earphones on and listen to music just so the sad thoughts would stop until the songs end. When I listen to music, I don’t think of anything else except for the song itself or the artist or imagining myself singing in such an epic way that others’ brains would explode. So I guess God also wrote ambitious on my heart.

I am probably not depressed. I don’t think of suicide or cutting or dying. I still want to live and go to Greece and write a book and direct Kristen Stewart. Maybe I just want to be lost... and eventually be found for all the right reasons.

It’s weird: I think I’m sad but I can’t find the right happiness. I keep on searching for the happiness that will gradually eradicate the sadness in my heart, but I can't seem to find it. The happiness is always temporary, like trying to catch water in your hands: you thought you have it now, but then you blink and it’s gone. The happiness is also undependable and flimsy, like holding on to cobwebs: it’s not strong enough to keep you going or to hold you up.

I cannot find a permanent happiness. I am trying to find it in God and faith – I am getting there. I am trying to find it in other people – most of the time, they fail me in the end. I have another realization, and it’s sad because it’s true: I realized that maybe I keep holding on to Great Love because he gives me euphoria, even if it’s temporary. When I’m sad, I think about him and I smile, and then I’d end up crying because what I think every time I close my eyes is impossible to happen. I am taking Great Love for granted, and that is just so screwed up. I find happiness in books, but I don’t think imagining you’re friends with Luna Lovegood or Jay Gatsby is healthy. I want to be not sad anymore. I want someone who would care.


I read this and I have another realization (I have tons of realizations lately): finding happiness won’t be successful if I always have standards. And happiness cannot be found if my heart isn’t open to pain. I’m not saying I’m not sad anymore, but I guess being eternally happy requires lots and lots of patience, suffering, disappointments and tears. And it’s up to us if we’re willing to go through all that.

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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409