Quarter Life Crisis
Monday, August 08, 2016 @ 2:07 PM | 0 comment(s)

Hello. I am back. For now. Not really. Maybe just for today. I am a sad human being.

Remember when I used to say that I’d probably write for the rest of my life? That all I want to do is write and write and write and be rich from doing just that? Bad news: I don’t think I can write anymore. It’s not that I don’t have the capacity (I still can write; just not that good anymore), I just don’t have the energy and inspiration. I didn’t think working for a living would do this to me. I thought being an adult would give me so many experiences that would fuel my creative juices, but so far all it did was give me stress and the need to always sleep. The thing they say about how your first job is always your worst is true. Don’t get me wrong: I am thankful for this job because it provides money (ugh) and sometimes free access to events (yes), but I feel like I’m not improving in this field. My brain is so rusty and every single day is repetitive. If I didn’t have the liberty to browse anything online and watch movies/series on my free time and discover new artists to listen to, I would be a useless moron who worked her ass off in college. I want to quit this job but to be honest I am scared – I am so fucking scared of starting over and adapting to new people. I hate myself.

In all honesty I don’t really know what to do with my life. I celebrated my 23rd birthday last month and instead of being excited, all I felt was anxiety. I’m anxious of what I ought to have done and what I should be doing at this age. I haven’t achieved anything yet. I’ve gone to festivals and concerts, but that’s about it. That is the lamest thing ever. Do you think I’m suffering from early quarter life crisis? Not knowing what to do with your short life is kind of stressful – can’t we just eat ice cream every day and binge-watch series and let that be acceptable?

Maybe my problem is that I’m lazy. And scared. And I compare my life to everyone else’s. And I only envy them after. My life is a mediocre. I always feel like I’m missing out on things and that I should’ve achieved something by now. But I’m so lazy to do anything. And always so fucking tired. I admit I’m not the most enthusiastic person and I don’t have the most active lifestyle and I think I’m the type who doesn’t thrive early in life, but it’s so tiring to keep waiting for my moment. Holy shit, I’m just whining right now. I understand if you’re rolling your eyes at me. I am rolling my eyes at myself.

Is it stupid to want to start over? To live somewhere I haven’t been to? Meet new people and start new relationships? Start with a clean slate? Just writing about it triggers me – triggers my self-loathing and that feeling of being ungrateful.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I promise when I come back to blogging, I will be better – better at it and better as a person. Better at life. Please be patient and wait for me. (Who am I even talking to?)

See you later.

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a woeful & chaotic diary since 071409